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Thursday, November 28, 2013

The Holiday with an Inferiority Complex

Thanksgiving has completely surrendered to that 800 pound gorilla of a holiday that shows up a month later. Let’s face it; Halloween is barely holding its own. This year, Black Friday starts on Thursday because retailers believe (with probably some justification,) that the longer the spending season goes, the more likely you are to feel that a sweater, a pair of socks, and a Whitman’s sampler is just not enough for Aunt Hortensia, and you’ll need to get her a pair of diamond earrings as well.

Part of the problem is the saturation of the airways and Muzak torture devices with ubiquitous Christmas music. I’m only aware of one Thanksgiving song, We Gather Together. It’s a hymn which means it’s practically illegal to play it in any secular setting.

I figure I should do something about it. I decided to put secular words to the hymn.

There was the fear of lightning from above for desecrating a holy tune, but Go Figure Reads author (and liturgical egghead) Stanley McFarland assures me that Martin Luther used a drinking song tune for A Mighty Fortress Is Our God.

Turn-about is fair play. (Whatever that means.)


This Thursday We Gather
a Thanksgiving song by Headley Hauser

This Thursday we gather
To watch people marching
Seen before, it’s a bore
But a comfortable one
We watch flying Snoopy
And commentators, loopy
Tradition says we watch
And pretend that it’s fun


This Thursday we gather
To eat the big turkey
We’ll baste it, then taste it
Then break the wish bone
Unless you’re not bluffing
‘Bout oysters in the stuffing
‘Cause then, I’d rather eat
A ham sandwich – alone


This Thursday we gather
To watch some bad football
Though Romo can’t throw no
Better than Grandma Nan
And while we’d much rather
Not hear all Boomer’s blather
We’re captives in our seats
Frozen by tryptophan


This Friday we’ll gather
To fight other shoppers
Once grateful, now hateful
We tear up the mall
With all of our grabbing
Our carping and our crabbing
We’re buying peace on earth
And frickin’ good will to all



Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a good nap!