The Holiday with an Inferiority Complex

Thanksgiving has completely surrendered to that 800 pound gorilla of a holiday that shows up a month later. Let’s face it; Halloween is barely holding its own. This year, Black Friday starts on Thursday because retailers believe (with probably some justification,) that the longer the spending season goes, the more likely you are to feel that a sweater, a pair of socks, and a Whitman’s sampler is just not enough for Aunt Hortensia, and you’ll need to get her a pair of diamond earrings as well.

Part of the problem is the saturation of the airways and Muzak torture devices with ubiquitous Christmas music. I’m only aware of one Thanksgiving song, We Gather Together. It’s a hymn which means it’s practically illegal to play it in any secular setting.

I figure I should do something about it. I decided to put secular words to the hymn.

There was the fear of lightning from above for desecrating a holy tune, but Go Figure Reads author (and liturgical egghead) Stanley McFarland assures me that Martin Luther used a drinking song tune for A Mighty Fortress Is Our God.

Turn-about is fair play. (Whatever that means.)

This Thursday We Gather

a Thanksgiving song by Headley Hauser

This Thursday we gather

To watch people marching

Seen before, it’s a bore

But a comfortable one

We watch flying Snoopy

And commentators, loopy

Tradition says we watch

And pretend that it’s fun

This Thursday we gather

To eat the big turkey

We’ll baste it, then taste it

Then break the wish bone

Unless you’re not bluffing

‘Bout oysters in the stuffing

‘Cause then, I’d rather eat

A ham sandwich – alone

This Thursday we gather

To watch some bad football

Though Romo can’t throw no

Better than Grandma Nan

And while we’d much rather

Not hear all Boomer’s blather

We’re captives in our seats

Frozen by tryptophan

This Friday we’ll gather

To fight other shoppers

Once grateful, now hateful

We tear up the mall

With all of our grabbing

Our carping and our crabbing

We’re buying peace on earth

And frickin’ good will to all

Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a good nap!