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Sunday, December 1, 2013

Tale of Two Seasons


So… Holiday Season, Huh?

I borrowed from the local library that timeless Holiday treat, the Ken Burns Documentary, Baseball.

Shoot me – Christmas is not my favorite season.

It being early December, I found the two themes merging - especially as Burn’s depiction of the steroid scandals produced visions of sugar-pills dancing in my head.


Deck the Arms with THG
by Headley Hauser


Tis the season to hit homers
falalalala lala la la

Be a star and not a roamer
falalalala lala la la

Practice hard and toil and lug more
falalalala lala la la

Of send your agent to the drug store

falalalala lala la la


Deck your arms with THG
falalalala lala la la

Hit thirty homers instead of three
falalalala lala la la

Erasing marks from by-gone ages
falalalala lala la la

Clubhouse full of steroid rages
falalalala lala la la

 

We are now the mighty gloved ones
falalalala lala la la

Who cares if we beat our loved ones
falalalala lala la la

Some complain about our stat-ploy
falalalala lala la la

Wouldn’t want to be the bat boy
falalalala lala la la


Let’s be fair, PADs (performance affecting drugs) are as American as marijuana brownies, and a constant part of baseball tradition. Dwight Gooden (and the 86 Mets)
couldn’t have beaten my beloved Red Sox without their white powder. Until recent decades, chewing tobacco was practically issued to every ballplayer, not only to calm their nerves at the plate, but to give spitballs that little something extra. Booze was such an important part of the game that several teams were owned by beer barons. Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle got so wasted that they weren’t even hung over until the 7th inning stretch.
So let’s stop being so hypocritical and embrace our chemically pumped heroes of the last generation. Heck, put a statue of Balco in the Hall of Fame.


We wish you a Merry Andro
We wish you a Merry Andro
We wish you a Merry Andro
And a bottle of clear

You’ll play like a dream
Long as you use the cream

We wish you a Merry Andro
And a bottle of clear.


As far as Christmas is concerned – you think a few ho-ho-hos enable “eight tiny reindeer” to push a fat man and several billion toys around the earth in less than 24 hours?
 
Vaguely related video