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Thursday, December 5, 2013

An Open Letter to Sanity Clause


Dear Sanity:

After doing a careful study of popular Christmas specials, movies, and You Tube posts over the years, (along with one routine from the Marx Brothers,) I have come to what I hope is a very useful and profitable conclusion. That conclusion (I write in a new sentence to avoid a run-on and MS Word green squiggle) is that getting presents from you has nothing to do with your existence or non-existence. What matters (I write in yet another sentence, making three sentences function where one would be sufficient,) is that I believe in you.

For the above over-sentenced reason, I am submitting my Christmas wish list for your consideration.

When I was just a little Hauser, my parents told me that you don’t do cash. They also said you don’t do gold, loose jewels, mutual funds, time travel, or lamps with genies in them. As you are fictional, I would encourage you to think outside the box. Your coworker, The Tooth Fairy has been working in negotiable instruments for some time. They take far less space in a sleigh than those high-end automobiles with red bows on them that I see in commercials all the time.

No? I wonder if the elder Hausers had relayed your legend differently… Oh well.

First of all, let’s get one thing straight. I don’t want one of those surprise – what the H. E. double hockey sticks type of presents I hear about from time to time. For instance, I saw a video about a multi-headed poisonous-looking snake worth 25,000.00 a head.

I don’t want one of those – or anything related to snakes, poison, or any type of creature with more than one head.

Perhaps a look through the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog would be helpful.
How about a transparent canoe kayak? What great fun to take this small unstable craft out onto the open ocean and watch sharks as they watch me glide along the surface. Maybe they won’t even recognize I’m in a boat and unsuspectingly ram into it as they attempt to bite off arms and legs.

What could go wrong? – 1900.00 plus 100.00 extra shipping.
I would adore a golf cart hovercraft. Though I don’t play golf, I would take it to all the local courses, driving over their greens and sand traps. When the angry officials come to scold me, I will say, “I’m not touching your precious golf course!”

What fun! – 58,000.00.
As a stocking stuffer I would like their acrobatic robot. He does flips and kicks, martial arts, and bows when he’s done. I would like mine to be able to scrub the toilet and some other light housework – maybe I could hire him out and make a few bucks.

Would I get picketed for violating his rights? – 2,400.00.
I’d like a small item for my friend Joe in California – the voice activated R2-D2. He pretty much does everything the one in the movie did except shocking Sand People. You might want to check with Joe first, though. Knowing him, he probably already has three or four.

But it’s the thought that counts – 199.95.
Oh, you might want to bring a couple bottles of Michter’s Celebration Sour Mash Whiskey (4 grand a bottle.) I wouldn’t drink it, but I might need it for bites in case someone ponies up 125 grand to send me a multi-headed snake.

Here's a clip from one of your documentaries, Sanity.  See!  I haven't forgotten.