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Monday, December 30, 2013

Ten Words for Baby New Year

So, it’s almost the New Year.
Growing up I saw cartoons of old man 19__ paired with baby 19__ in newspapers, billboards, and sometimes even on doodles made by bored classmates.
As I was a child, I focused on the old man. I felt sorry for him – knowing that his mission, if not his life, would end at midnight New Years Eve.
Now I’m on my way to being an old man, I look at the baby. He looks so clueless. Somebody should help him out.
Ten Words for Baby New Year.
by Headley Hauser

1) Sleep. It’s under-rated. As a baby, they let you sleep all the time. Take advantage of it. Before February rolls along, they’ll be waking you up for school, and then it never ends. Store up your zzzs while you can.
2) Floss. It’s over-rated. Baby food tastes just as good in November as it does in January.
3) Christmas. Sorry Baby New Year, you have been royally rooked. Your birthday doesn’t come till you’re about to go to Old Man retirement, and Christmas is only a week before that. It’s a form of child abuse. Demand presents now! Declare MLK birthday as your Christmas, or maybe wait till Valentines Day – by then you’ll be ready for a nice bike.
4) Weather. We’re not in Australia here – January is COLD. Old Man Year gets to wear a full robe and carry a combination hour glass/space heater, while you’re stuck in a diaper? Find yourself a good pair of footy pajamas and don’t let go of them till St Patrick’s Day.
5) Yummy. It’s a trick word that parents use. When they tell you something’s yummy, it’s probably lima beans or spinach. Yummy may sound like a good thing, but make them eat a spoonful first.
6) Football. It’s a sport. All the boring games took place in Old Man Year’s term and now people are excited about the games in your first several days. Don’t worry. Barney will be back on the air by the time you’ve outgrown him.
7) Rock-a-bye. I know – it’s scary as hell. It doesn’t mean that the people singing it want to put you on a tree top and then let it rock till you come crashing down to earth. They really mean well, believe it or not.
8) Farts. They are funny. Old people pretend they’re not, but they’ll still laugh when a baby like you does it. Knock yourself out.
9) Pets. On the whole – they’re good. No, the dog that licks your face is not trying to eat you.
The cat avoids you because he knows you want to pull his tail. No matter how much the fish beg – they really won’t like it outside of the bowl.
10) Politicians. Avoid them. Every politician loves to claim you as the reason it’s time for his or her poorly-thought-out concept of what’s in the public good. Lucky for you, Baby 2014, you’re not one of those big change years like poor old Baby 2000, but still be on your guard. Remember, even before you learn how to talk, you can still blow raspberries – very effective with these clowns.

Here's a video with some more high-brow baby humor.