Poets to the Rescue
a play by Headley Hauser
(Knock on door)
Woman: Is it the plumber?
Poet 1: No
Woman: The electrician?
Poet 1: No
Woman: Martha Stewart?
Poet 1: No Ma’am, it’s the poets. Let us in please.
(Woman opens door and three poets in work clothes and tool belts enter. The room is trashed. Bad art hangs on the wall. Three Children stare off into space.)
Narrator: When disaster strikes - call the poets!
Poet 1: Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. And being one traveler, long I…
Poet 2: I think that I will never see, a billboard lovely as…
Poet 3: There once was a man from Nantucket…
Narrator: Our competent staff of experienced professionals is ready for any emergency be it personal -
Poet 1: I rise…
Narrator: Family-related -
Poet 2: (to the children) Not in a box, not with a fox, not in a house, not with a mouse. I would not like them here or there…
Narrator: Or commercial -
Poet 3: If you think it’s butter, but it’s not…
Narrator: For a limited time only, with every poet visit, get free cliché-guard.
Child 1: Sticks and stones may gaaaachhhk!
Man 1: A man’s home is his bllluuuubghhhh
Woman 2: You know what Mom always said, yulieicht!
Man 2: (woman 1 is on phone and hears:) The check is in heiyayuriap!
Narrator: The poets will stay with you until the problem is solved - or you’re out of munchies.
(The place is neater and more tasteful. The children look awake and alert, though the youngest is smoking a pipe.)
Poet 1: Sorry about the pipe, that happens sometimes.
Woman 1: I don’t mind at all! Doesn’t little Nestor look distinguished!
Narrator: You’ll be very pleased with the results.
Woman 1: Thank you poets!
Thanks to Facebook Friend, JA, for this song by one of my favorite musical poets: Tom Lehrer.