Dirk Destroyer Part 40 Chapter 21

Things are moving towards a conclusion in Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother. May I point out that unlike James Patterson, I have not employed a hard-working patsy to do my writing for me. That may be because no self-respecting patsy (if there is such a thing,) would work for a novelist that makes considerably less than your average drone for each entirely original, non-James Patterson-inspired story he writes.

Full disclosure: I may have used a few (26 to be exact,) letters that I have seen in the one eighth of a James Patterson novel I’ve read (before becoming too depressed to continue.)

Maybe a few numbers as well.

Chapter 21

There Shall Be Showers of Fish Sticks

Swampy was the first member of the party I found, or more likely, Swampy found me. He landed on my shoulder and defecated. I didn’t mind, I just focused the feces to fall to off my shirt and onto the ground. It was a handy skill to have with Swampy around.

“Hungry,” said Swampy. “Need a fish stick?”

“A fish stick?” I had no idea where Swampy had run into fish sticks before. Maybe they had them at the ministry. I walked over to the stream that Tease had reshaped to create his shower. There were fish swimming at the base of Tease’s manufactured waterfall, probably trying to figure out how to get back upstream.

“There are your fish, Swampy. They couldn’t be much easier to catch.”

Swampy hopped off my shoulder and was about to hunt when his head turned suddenly. “Fish stick,” he croaked, and flew off.

Even after all this time Swampy did stuff that made no sense to me.

I continued my search for Ono, and as I entered a clearing, I saw her sitting with Mage-e-not. Ono had a stick levitated in the air, and Mage-e-not was concentrating on it. Half his head was phasing in and out of visibility.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

The stick poked Mage-e-not in the nose, then spun off into the bushes. “Oh no,” said Ono, “poke and pick.”

Mage-e-not rubbed his nose. “What we’re doing,” he said to me, “is trying to get some food.”

“I’ll go make some algae bars,” I offered.

“Real food,” said Mage-e-not.

“From a stick?”

“Well it makes as much sense as a guy whose head disappears, a woman who makes things float, and a big jerk who sets his finger on fire being able to cast the planet’s greatest villain, and his algae-dealing brother into oblivion for ever.”

“You have a point.”

“No offense,” said Mage-e-not.

“Of course not.”

“We shuffle powers,” said Ono, “zing, whish, whoosh symbiotically.”

I nodded wisely as if I had any idea what sympytockicly meant.

“Do I smell fish sticks?” asked Akwar.

We all froze until she went away. Several seconds after she disappeared, Mage-e-not whispered, “That’s what we were trying to make, fish sticks.”

A number of things popped into my mind. First, I thought – that’s why Swampy was acting so strangely. Second, I thought – how can we stop Akwar from popping in on us like that – but I imagined that I was hearing her voice again in the bushes, so I stopped thinking that. Thirdly, I thought – what would ever lead Mage-e-not and Ono to believe their powers combined might turn regular sticks into fish sticks. I didn’t express this third thought because I was afraid that it was something obvious that I was missing, and I didn’t want to look stupid in front of Ono. Fourthly, I thought – I’ve been standing here for a while without saying anything, and they are both staring at me expecting me to say something, so I better say something fast. Fifthly, I thought – I can’t think of anything to say that sounds halfway intelligent. Sixthly, I thought – Maybe I can do that thing the monks do and trust that if I relax and open my mouth, truth will flow.

“Gum is sticky,” I said.

“I can’t argue with that,” said Mage-e-not.

Eighthly, I thought, (after cursing myself seventhly) – I have to remember that that trick only works with monks.

“I’m glad that monks came up,” I said, belatedly realizing that it had only come up in my inner monologue, “because I want to talk to you two about Phasia.”

“Big place,” said Mage-e-not.

“Zim, zing math,” said Ono.

For not the first time I considered how Ono’s sound words were not always a clear indication of what she wanted to communicate. “Do you like math, Ono?” I asked.

She nodded noncommittally.

“That’s good,” I said with more enthusiasm than I felt. “I’ve talked to Dirk, as you know, and I have good news and bad news.”

I’m not sure what either of them said, because for a few seconds my hearing, my field of vision, my sense of touch and even my taste buds broadcast the color red to me. I couldn’t believe I had said that I had good news and bad news. I tried to imagine the things I would rather have said to Ono. Phrases like, ‘I’m sexually unable to please a woman,’ came to mind. I couldn’t stand the old, ‘I have good news and bad news’ line. As far as I was concerned, the bad news was that I would have to go through with this stupid pattern of insincere exposition, and the good news was that I would die eventually – hopefully.

And why was it that while my sight, taste, hearing and touch was all red, that my nose was smelling fish sticks?

They were looking at me again. It was my turn to speak, and I had already used my, ‘gum is sticky,’ line. Best to say it straight out.

“The bad news is that I’ll be banished to the land of So-Ho with Dirk; the good news is that Phasia is free of the global swarming threat, so you can go to Phasia with Tease.”

“I fear not,” said Tease, who Akwar-like appeared behind me “because my order allows only one carry-on when we travel.”

“What’s your carry-on?” asked Mage-e-not.

From beneath his robes, Tease produced his loofah, which made Ono blush, and me to feel strangely inadequate.

“But Tease,” I said, “they have to go with you. You and Swampy are all that stand between Ono and Lustavious’ non-fraternal intentions.”

“Even so,” said Tease.

Ono looked me in the eyes. They were sad, beautiful eyes. They made me feel like going swimming. I don’t know why. “You want me to go with him?” she asked without a single sound word.

“I can’t take you with me,” I said. “Dirk tells me that the trip would kill you or that you would at least lose half your nose. This continent is doomed, and this is the only way to save you.”

“Is the continent doomed?” Mage-e-not asked Tease.

“Yes,” said Tease.

“What’s the idea of keeping it a secret?”

“I wasn’t keeping it a secret. You didn’t ask me until just now.”

“I can’t argue with that,” said Mage-e-not.

“Lip Ton Tease,” said Ono, “if I we sizzle for Showr Rinn, we shuffle to Phasia?”

“If you can prove your usefulness? yes, the masters would consent.”

“What about,” said Mage-e-not, “if Ono and I can create fish sticks out of regular sticks?”

“With or without tartar sauce?”

“We haven’t worked on tartar sauce yet.”

“Talk to me when you have.”

“Naught ought,” said Ono. “Mingle at tinkle creek.”

“I hope she means the brook,” said Mage-e-not.

We stepped over to the brook. Ono raised her hands and said, “sprinkle ups-a-daisy.”

Water rose up out of the brook and began showering down – mostly on Tease, but like most of Ono’s spells, not everything went where it was meant to. A bit of moss attached itself to her face, giving her a distinguished looking mustache. A small fish landed in Mage-e-not’s hand. He stared at it intently.

“Be a fish stick,” he said, and his head disappeared.

The fish looked resentfully at where Mage-e-not’s face should have been, wiggled out of his hand, and flopped its way back to the brook.

Water sparkled on Tease’s brow as he loofah’d his head vigorously. “Your ability,” he said to Ono, “is a truly useful talent. Can you tolerate being around hundreds of naked men?”

“Mutter, shrug,” said Ono.

“Then you may come to Phasia.”

“What about me?” asked Mage-e-not.

“What talent do you have?”

Mage-e-not’s head blinked back and forth between visible and invisible.

“I am sorry,” said Tease. “I would not be permitted to bring you.”

“Neigh,” said Ono. “Mage-e-not whoosh as carry-on.”

“What about Swampy?” I asked.

“Swampy has always been welcome,” said Tease. “Wise birds are honored in my order.”

“There are more birds like Swampy?”

“No,” said Tease as if he completed a masterful poem.

I searched folk tune on YouTube and got this.  Pretty, but they should enunciate better.  I couldn't understand a word.

Dirk Destroyer Part 15 Chapter Part 1

This is the 15^th installment of Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother, an unpublished novel I had to give up due to the Donald Trump Ubiquity Law or 2015. If you’re just starting in, the hero is Elmer McFarland, or Elmer Destroyer, or Destroyer, or Hey You. There are no villains, though I can’t say I like some of the characters too much. For instance, I sure am glad we don’t have that Jonma Claim guy in our universe.

Chapter…

(I lost track – look it up.)

Nobody got up to relieve me, so I didn’t feel so bad about falling asleep. There were sheep all over the campsite, eating Carry’s beans, Mage-e-not’s shirt, and two of my precious store of matches. I asked Lustavious for a light, but he was in a grumpy mood, probably because Swampy wouldn’t leave Ono alone, and Swampy seemed to be the only being capable of stopping Lustavious from moving on Ono.

“Ono and the bird are inseparable,” Lustavious sang to me in a low – Leonard Cohen-type drone.

“I understand,” I said to Lustavious. “If you want, I can ask to talk to Ono and you can have time alone with Swampy.”

That really wasn’t a way to get a light from the Light Bringer.

“Say,” said Mage-e-not, awake now and looking at the state of his shirt. “You still using that bag?”

I looked into my cigar bag. I had smoked enough that there were only a couple cigars left. I managed to cram them into my fanny pack and handed the bag to Mage-e-not.

“Thanks,” he said. “I wonder how I can use this to patch my shirt without thread.”

I shrugged my shoulders in the universal gesture of, beats me.

“It’s just that I don’t look so good shirtless.”

I had to agree.

Tip Ton Tease was meditating while balanced on a slender branch twenty feet above where Jonma Carry had been sleeping. The tree was missing all its bark close to the ground – probably from sheep grazing.

“Why are you up there, Tease?” asked Lustavious.

“The thirty-fifth idea.”

“Oh… What do you see?”

Tease put his thumb and forefingers to his earlobes before responding, though it was hard to see how he might have gotten water in his ears up in a tree. “Sheep,” he said.

“What else?”

“More sheep.”

“What-do-you-mean, more sheep,” sputtered Jonma Claim. “Light Bringer, lift me up so I can see.”

The awkward little man waddled over to where Lustavious – reluctant, but obedient, lifted him into the air.

“Higher!” barked Jonma Claim.

“Top floor,” grunted Lustavious.

Suddenly the annoying host of Uriculous Wisehind began to rise.

“What kind of…” sputtered Jonma Claim… with a few spasms thrown in. “Destroyer, what are you doing?”

“You squawk for upsey,” said Ono who was clearly working very hard to keep the doughy Jonma Claim airborne.

“It can’t be!” Jonma Claim spitted.

“What?” asked Mage-e-not who had somehow found a way to join the bag to his shirt making an astoundingly ugly garment.

“There are sheep,” said Jonma Claim crossly.

“Isn’t that what Tease said?” I asked.

“But so many!” sputtered Jonma Claim. His body began to sway to the east. “Stop it,” he barked, but his body began moving even faster to the southwest.

“Whoop, swoon, swish,” said Ono.

“As High Priest, I command you!” commanded Jonma Claim... with a sputter.

“I would put him down, Ono,” said Mage-e-not.

“Squeak, sway, thump, thud!” said Ono, clearly distressed.

“Destroyer!” barked Jonma Claim. “Do something!”

“But you’re always telling me not to do things,” I said to him not helpfully. I enjoyed the look on Jonma Claim’s face, but then I glanced at Ono, and saw both panic and betrayal etched across her features.

“Hold on,” I said, and I tried to bring my limited telekinetic powers to bear. If I’d been a better telekinete, or if Jonma Claim had not been a moving target, I might have had more success. Whether it was my effect, or Ono’s magic, Jonma Claim’s swooping went from two dimensions to three, now shooting up near the treetops, then crashing down to within a couple of body lengths from the ground.

“Can’t you let him go when he’s low?” asked Mage-e-not.

Ono, her face set in determination, shook her head no.

“It would probably kill him, anyway,” said Jonma Carry in a tone that showed that wouldn’t bother him overly.

“This is unacceptable!” blustered Jonma Claim. “I will not have this!”

I almost gave up trying right there. Why should I care if the dead man died again?

“To me,” said Tease, still up in his tree.

Adding Tease to the equation, I came up with a plan. Instead of trying to grab Jonma Claim from Ono’s magical grasp, I started to build barriers of compressed air, herding the bouncing Jonma Claim closer to Tease’s location. Tease jumped from branch to branch, many of them too thin to support my fanny pack, much less two men.

“Let go,” called Tease, as he lunged for Jonma Claim. Ono swooned falling to the ground. Lustavious was about to catch her when Swampy hissed at him. Quickly, I brought loam and soft earth up to cushion her as she came to ground. She bounced gently as she might on a good mattress.

Tease landed moments later, Jonma Claim in his arms.

“Just like your brother!” Jonma Claim sputtered. “Thank the really good ideas that the world will soon be rid of you both.”

“I did my best,” I said.

“To get me killed!” he replied reproachfully with both a sputter and a spasm.

What will the Fellowship of the Bring do surrounded so completely by a seemingly endless flock of sheep? Me, I’d just push my way through and watch my step for doo-doo, but on the Planet 2, the thirty-fifth Really Good Idea might not allow that. We’ll find out next Friday… (Actually, I already know. I’m just trying to establish community here.)

For some reason, ELO kept running in my head as I wrote this.

Miscellaneous Quips I Didn't Write.

The wonderful thing about the internet is that we can steal clever things, post them on social media, and be thought witty and original.  Not only are we not original in thinking up the clever things - we're not even original in the way we steal them, because billions of people are doing the exact same thing!
   I can do that.  How about...

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Remember you heard it from this thought thief first. 

Heard that one?  How about these?

I'll claim it.  Most of the world's population is too young to remember these guys.

No worries about claiming this one - Crocodiles don't sue - they don't get along with sharks.

I'm pretty sure Schultz didn't write this - so even the originator was ripping off.

I've met both these characters a dozen times at least - their arms and legs looked thicker.

A little more risk on this one - we all recognize who this is.

No problem - Patrick Stewart is a sport, and thankfully, Wil Wheaton fell off the edge of the universe shortly after leaving Star Trek.

Guys have tells.

But not for plagiarism...  Thanks to Facebook, that's no longer a crime.

Here's a couple from north of the boarder.

They're all bundled up that far north, so it's hard to tell anyway - except for their elite forces...

Here's a vid I didn't write either.