Don't Worry; Be Funny

To the best of my knowledge, Bobby McFerrin never did stand-up. That's probably why his music is so relaxing.

We humans demand that the natural cadence and organic happenstance of humor be artificially manufactured in a social arrangement reminiscent of a firing squad.

What did I just say?

We treat our entertainers like convicted felons. We put them under blinding lights; bring in scores of demanding faceless people and then tell the poor saps to be funny.

Go ahead! Make me laugh!

Stand up comedy is conceptually a lot like clowning. Clowns paint their faces to evoke lightness and fun but end up creepy. We figured the clown/creepy thing out decades ago, and the horror industry is still cashing in. When do we start making horror flicks about stand-up?

Pine Street is a quiet road in a typical suburban town. Johnny Belcher's parents have left him alone for the night. Johnny thought he was inviting a few friends for beers and fun, until it all went wrong. You'll laugh till you bleed when you see, Amateur Comedy Night on Pine Street!

Maybe comedy has always had this sadistic underbelly. According to Mel Brooks comedy began with a guy who was eaten by a dinosaur. I trust Brooks' mastery of history even above my teachers in high school.

Invention of the candy gram? Mr. Jones' history class didn't cover that.

After the dinosaur shtick got old, wealthy humor connoisseurs developed the court jester. On the surface the concept seemed civilized, even compassionate. You dress up some schmo in motley. Pick a guy that's too puny to swing a sword. Everybody needs a job, right? The rich noble guy is just being kind.

"Good evening Ladies and Germs!"

But these jesters got pelted by hard and disgusting objects. Have you ever tried to be funny while people are throwing spoiled mutton? Not that the Jesters weren’t grateful when diners threw meat. You’d be grateful for a diversionary portion of sheep’s butt too if a pack of the noble guy's wolf hounds were looking at you like you might be their new chew toy.

One way or the other, the noble guy gets his chuckles.

To reference Mel Brooks again, "When you die at the palace, you DIE at the palace."

So comedy is cruel. Its purpose is to embarrass, degrade, injure, maim or kill people who are just trying to make you happy.

Kind of like dating.

As a matter of fact, the patron saint of comedy, St. Genesius Martinus of Rome is also the patron saint of torture victims! (He's also the p.s. for plumbers. I always thought a lot of plumber’s tools looked sadistic.)

But every night, modern-day jesters line up at open mike nights hoping for their big break. The just want to help people forget their troubles and have a laugh.

Nothing to worry about. Just go with the flow. Pretend the boos, catcalls, and death threats are nothing more cruel than accompanying music - maybe with a lilting Caribbean beat.

Because comedy is the profession of masochists. It's the hopeless pursuit of approval by sadistic masses of ungrateful jerks.

Kind of like parenting teenagers.

Love this song.

Real Jobs

They were paving the parking lot at Amalgamated Monster yesterday. We watched a crew out in the hot sun working with steaming blacktop.

“It looks rough out there.”

“No chairs.”

“No AC.”

“No snack machine,” said Pee Wee who was seriously addicted to peanut butter and jelly nabs.

“And they’re doing real work,” I said. Everyone nodded solemnly.

Things may seem horrid at Amalgamated Monster. We spend much of our time avoiding some of the most sadistic people that Mother Nature or the Great Pumpkin chose to put in management above us. We also spend a great deal of energy looking busy, but not a single one of us does any real work.

So as we looked busy and avoided said work, we discussed what constituted the realest of real work.

“Preschool teacher,” said Scratchy.

“Kid’s party clown is worse,” said Pee Wee.

“How’s that?”

“It’s preschool work where the kids are additionally hopped up on sugar and high expectations.”

“Roofing sounds pretty bad to me,” said Stinky.

“Plumbing is worse,” said Pee Wee.

“How can plumbing be worse than roofing?”

“Something about the job just makes all plumbers crack.” Maybe it was the nabs that made Pee Wee so wise.

“How about the guy that cleans out the port-a-potties?” asked Fish Bait.

That silenced everyone for a few minutes. I don’t even like walking by port-a-potties. I couldn’t imagine having to clean them.

Finally Pee Wee spoke up. “Politician.”

“Politician is worse than port-a-potty cleaner?” I asked.

“Politicians shovel a lot more crap said Pee Wee.

It was only hours later, after everybody left, that I thought of publisher. They don’t seem to get anything done, but they’re always too busy to work on my novels.

I wonder what Pee Wee would say about that?

Here's a little work-related song we like to sing  at Amalgamated Monster when the bosses are out getting... lubricated.

You Say Your Day Sucks?

You're telling me your day sucks?  Let's look into it.

It all starts out in the usual way.

There may be a minor mix-up with the morning brew.

But it could be worse.

The donuts aren't perfect.

But some had to go without.

Not to mention other breakfast nightmares.

The morning commute starts poorly.

And the alternative was harrowing

But at least you din't make a wrong turn.

Or start your day with an appointment at the musical proctologist.

Sure, the software at work can be annoying.

But some people work for real a-holes.

And others have sadistic co-workers.

So be careful with whom you associate.

Because even those who say they want to help, can't always be trusted.

Especially if they insist on visiting you at home.

So be grateful you have the necessities of life.

And that you aren't living among anti-Semitic carnivores.

Take responsibility for your crappy day.

And learn to move on.


And the beat goes on.

Tee Shirts Again?

Having another Tee Shirt post is like when you have canned chili 6 days in a row because you can’t figure out what else to fix for dinner.

What it means is that I’ve gotten another wonderful issue of Things you never knew existed in my mail box. I sure appreciate the fine folks that I never knew existed for sending me this catalog – especially as I’ve never ordered from them.

What I have done is rip off their Tee Shirt slogans and put them on this blog.  Here's the best from them (that I haven't already ripped off in a previous post.)

People keep pointing this shirt out to me for some reason.

Now with 20% more nitrogen!

Still waiting on the punch line

And here's some from other sources

I knew God created hockey

Sorry clown fans...  Are there any?

So sweet - maybe due to diabetes

That's the spirit

This last group is from a tee shirt trend of making the body part of the message.  A lot of those won't pass the decency test (I failed that twice.)  Here are the cleaner ones.

Nerd-dom free from the weight of tie and pocket protector!

Way to go!

Hurts to look at.

Last couple are for the insufferable.

As long as that means I can go away.

VW did a bunch of these videos.  This is my favorite.