Bring In Your Dead

I have an affliction.

I’ve had it before, and god help me, I’ll probably have it again. I shouldn’t complain; most people have to deal with the same thing – I have a job.

Jobs have only one redeeming benefit – money. With money, I can buy goods and services, including Pop Tarts,

 and gas for the Yugo.

Unfortunately, jobs have many detriments including 1) wasted time 2) raised expectations from creditors 3) increased difficulty in free-loading on others and 4) E.J.I. (enforced jerk interaction.)

Sick days bring a respite. Unfortunately my current boss, Whipcracker Toliver, has memorized the WebbMD website, and it’s getting harder to find an illness to pass muster with him.

This morning I tried a different tack. I called work.

Whipcracker: Tote that Bail Bondage Services. This is Whip Toliver. How may our employees serve you?

Headley: Mr. Toliver, I have some sad news.

Whipcracker: What is it now, Headley?

Headley: Yes sir, I’m calling about Headley Hauser. He’s dead.

Whipcracker: Am I not talking to Headley right now?

Headley: No sir, this is Doctor Mumblefuss. I just happen to sound a lot like him.

Whipcracker: I see, Doctor Mumblefuss. This of course is a terrible tragedy. I’m sure Headley’s coworkers will be deeply saddened. I wonder if he knew before he passed on, that if I report his death to social services, he’ll no longer be eligible for unemployment or food stamps.

Headley: (pause) Maybe I should try the shock thingies.

Whipcradker: Yes, Doctor, do try the shock thingies, and if you manage to resurrect Headley, remind him that it’s his turn to bring in coffee this morning.

I’m not sure, but I think he was on to me. Next time, I gotta find someone else to play Doctor Mumblefuss.

Cral and I used to do a song about work in our spectacularly ignored act: Headley and the Rug (and Cral) Hit the Road. I apologize that there’s no tune for you, but there really wasn’t much of one even when Cral and I did it. All the Xs are for hand claps.

Love my Job

words and kinda music by Headley Hauser

I need to go away XX I need to go away XX xxxx

I need to go away XX I need to go away XX xxxx

This place makes me shake xxxxxxx

This place makes my belly ache xx

This place gives me things I don’t need xx

I need x I need x I need

I need to go away XX I need to go away XX xxxx

I need to go away XX I need to go away XX xxxx

This place makes me work xxxxxxx

This place makes me deal with a jerk xx

This place gives me things I don’t need xx

I need x I need x I need

(go up a step)

I need to go away XX I need to go away XX xxxx

I need to go away XX I need to go away XX xxxx

This place gives me grief xxxxxxx

This place is just beyond belief xx

Tell my boss that I NEED TO GO!

I need x I need x

I need to leave

I’d tell you it was much better live – but there was a reason we were spectacularly ignored. Here’s a vid of someone who’s actually pretty funny.