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Thursday, September 18, 2014

A Treatise (hee-hee, sounds dirty) on Scottish Separatism

As I post my blog today, people in Scotland are voting. They’re deciding if they wish to break away from England and become an independent nation.
I know this because I was at somebody’s house last night that listens to all that brainy stuff instead of re-runs of F-Troop.
You gotta love F-Troop. Agarn got all the credit, but Captain Parmenter had some really funny bits. It’s a shame they just had that guy sitting on a chair all the time in Momma’s Family. What a waste of creative clumsiness!
But back to Scotland and today’s vote.
I was reassured to hear that they aren’t suggesting breaking the island of Britain at the river Tweed. Having a floating country – even a small one like Scotland might raise havoc in the Atlantic. Imagine water-skiing off Daytona and then getting tripped up by a Hebride Island.
That actually might be a funny bit if the Captain Parmenter guy did that.
Anyway, nobody is suggesting doing anything to the land – it’s just politics. I’ve given the matter some serious thought (or at least I’ve been pretending to,) and I’ve decided that if I were voting today; I would vote yes. I have, (or will have once I think of them,) three reasons for voting aye (that’s Scottish for yes – and Mrs. Chapeau, my 9th grade French teacher told me I was no good at languages.)
Reason Number One:
More jobs! Think of all the maps and globes across the world where England and Scotland are painted the same color (usually a pinkish salmon that makes me think of the word salmonella – a good reason to avoid British food.) Tens, if not more people will be employed to either create new maps and globes, or to bring paint pots to Libraries, High Schools, Universities, and the UN to color that wee (another word in Scottish,) area north of York, fuchsia, or maybe mauve.
Careful not to paint Quebec; it’s north of NEW York (and they have their own separatist movement – tell me that's a coincidence!)
Reason Number Two:
Public decorum.
The queen will finally be able to tell Prince Charles to stop wearing that stupid skirt! You’re German, Chuck – not Scottish. Even your Celtic title – Prince of Wales, has nothing to do with male skirt-wearing.
I don’t care what Ludmilla Parker Overbite says; nobody wants to see your legs!
Reason Number Three:
Dang it – I have no reason number three. (Politics, not to mention formal essay writing is a foreign to me as haggis – ANOTHER Scottish word!) Mr. Erudite, my 11th grade English teacher would be so ashamed.
Oh! – how about how Sergeant O’Rourke would like it? No, he was Irish. It’ll come to me…
Maybe not.
If you can think of a reason number three that would give joy to all who read this blog (not to mention Mr. Erudite – or his ghost if he has declaimed his last,) please send it to attn: Headley’s reason number three.

And now – an unpaid political announcement.