If you see the Mayor of NYC (politically aware, insert name
here______,) presenting a medal to the,Apollo Global Management and C. Dean Metropoulos and Company you might feel confused. I’m here to straighten out the story for
you.
The new Twinkie saved the day, but the roots of this perfect storm go
back two decades.
Years ago, the out-of-towner toured the city taking pictures of the
sights with an ancient device that was called by the primitives – a
camera. The tourist wanted to have pictures that showed him in front
of Rockefeller Center or the Empire State Building. The standard
practice was to first ask a friendly local to take their picture then
second, go to the local stores to buy a replacement for the camera
that the friendly local pocketed while the out-of-towner was posing
in front of Rockefeller Center or the Empire State Building. These
local stores had a wide selection of moderately priced cameras that
had been meticulously restored to new condition after being stolen
from out-of-towners weeks before.
Phone selfies put a dent into this lucrative trade. The city was
losing money in the important non-violent crime sector of the
municipal economy. They passed a law that required people who wanted
to drink a lot of soda to buy two over-priced mediums instead of one
large, but that only partially filled the revenue gap.
Then one day, an out-of-work camera snatcher inadvertently stole a
costume. There’s some argument over whether the costume was the
Statue of Liberty, Snoopy, or Kato Kaelin, (a famous fellow in the
90s, but no one can recall why.) The struggling replacement camera
stores (where he habitually sold his goods,) had no need for the
costume, and it was a cold day, so he wore it home.
“Look, Daddy,” said the child of an out-of-towner, “it’s the
Statue of Liberty, Snoopy, or that weird guy that’s famous for
something!”
“It surely is,” said the out-of-towner father. “Would you mind
if I take a picture of you with my daughter?”
The out-of-work camera thief gave the out-of-towner the finger, but
as the costume hand-coverings were mittens, it looked like a cheery
wave. The picture was shot before the thief could utter his
customary, “F__K O_F!” (Not sure if I needed to blank that third
letter.)
“Here’s five dollars and my thanks for making my daughter’s
trip so memorable,” said the out-of-towner so politely that he was
clearly from Utah.
And so a new industry began – one that helped the city maintain a
certain degree of equilibrium until the election of 2012. It was
then that the non-violent crime sector of the municipal economy took
another serious blow – pot became legal in Colorado and Washington
State.
The legal growing costs in Aspen dropped so far below the illegal
growing costs in the Bronx, that the local dealers ignored the
mayor’s “Buy Local” campaign and ordered their product from
out-of-towners.
The local growers, still dealing with the temporary cessation of the
availability of (yes, you guessed it,) Twinkies, girded up their
birkenstocks and searched the city to find someone to pay for their
pain.
With blood in their eyes, (from anger or smoke - not sure,) they
hunted for out-of-towners.
“Look, Daddy,” said the daughter of an out-of-towner, “It’s
the ghost of Jerry Garcia!”
And hence, a new segment of non-violent criminals moved into the
costumed picture racket.
Unfortunately, there is not a happy ending here. The public
thorough-fares became glutted with bulky Blues (both from Blue’s
Clues and from Rio,) in visually-impairing, and identity-obscuring
Dacron. Out-of-work actors – though they didn’t carry cards from
Non-Violent Criminals local 22, donned costumes as well.
Out-of-towners feared for their lives as waves of animated characters
stampeded over street people and Hari Krishnas to get to them. To
add to the confusion, Disney lawyers hired members of Violent
Criminals local 16 to mug and maul any costumed racketeer they found
in Dumbo, Peter Pan, or Snow White costumes.
Colorful, creepy, caustic, cataclysmic, crudity ensued - in short –
a riot that threatened not only the downtown, but all tourism in the
greater metropolitan area.
Several members of a flash mob, who thought it might be fun to show
up outside the Today Show window in Buzz Lightyear costumes, were
beaten mercilessly by at least three different factions.
A single golden snack cake was all it took to calm everything down.
And so, a grateful mayor toasts Apollo Global Management and C. Dean Metropoulos and Company with a 16
ounce soda in each hand. If Twinkies (now fortified with quaaludes
and a sprinkling of Bronx’s finest herb) had not returned, the
city, as we have known it, might be nothing but a distant and
drug-hazed memory.
Today's video is truly - Just Plain Stupid.
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