Sport Bozos

Adam Carolla (never heard of him, but I know the car,) was quoted in the March 16 Sports Illustrated (page 34,) “why do we have Joe Buck and Troy Aikman?” His point was that stand-up comedians (apparently including the ones I haven’t heard of that are named after Japanese compacts,) should take over sports broadcasting.

“When I watch sports with Jimmy (Kimmel – who I’ve heard of,) it’s nonstop joking.”

I have two words for Mr. Carolla –

 Dennis Miller.

The short-term Monday Night Football pundit’s desperate hit and miss and miss and miss one liners left me wishing that Dan Dierdorf would return to his seat in the booth – preferably on top of the crumpled and silenced former funnyman. What sounds good on stage before a drunken audience, or in a living room with beer-sodden friends doesn’t always sound as good while sitting in front of a TV camera.

Do you think Bubba and Clevis would rather hear how many cheese steaks Vince Wolfork can eat, or whether Demarko Murray’s last second reach made a first down?

Do they want to hear arcane 70’s references to hi-rise basketball shoes with gold fish in the heel, or if the Bulls have the possession arrow with two minutes to go in regulation?

Do they want to know what Linsay Lohan would make of a bunt signal, or what Russell Martin’s caught stealing percentage is with runners on the corners?

Miller proved that sports broadcasting is not the venue for stand-ups. That’s not to say it’s a comedy-free venue. In sports, comedy comes from…

clowns

Though clowns are in bad taste almost everywhere (circuses included, horror movies excepted,) there’s a forty-five year tradition of broadcast clowns (both intentional and non) in sports.

Do you think Roone Arlidge gave Dandy Don and Howard those bright yellow jackets because they were serious journalists?

Ed Wynn (or somebody that once shook his hand,) once complained that in Vaudeville you could do the same act across the country for years before you needed a new one, but you do an act once on television and everybody’s seen it. That’s true for stand-up commentators, once you've spouted off Belichick joke number 37, it goes into your dirty laundry bin, but sports clowns can hack out the same old material game after game.

How many times have the pregame folks kidded Bradshaw about all his marriages?

Think of Madden’s constant use of the word, “boom!”

Dick Vitale is such a predictable caricature that even when he’s not on the air doing his shtick – other sportscasters imitate it.

There are lovable clowns like Bob Uecker, annoying clowns like Boomer Esiason, deadpan clowns like Kenny Maine, and guys that should just give up trying to be a clown like Tim McCarver.

Actually, I’d like sports a lot better if they’d all stop trying to be clowns.

But that’s the state of sports broadcasting, Adam Carolla (of whom I've never heard.) So if you want to break in, buy yourself a red nose.

The real tournament begins in a couple hours. I've studied the field for numerous seconds, and I've found no reason to budge from my pick the last two tournaments: The State University of New York, Albany. Go Great Danes!

Though I worry what might happen if they meet the Northeastern Huskies in the final.

What a dog-fight that would be!

Okay - this is an ad - but it's still a great concept by an EVIL corporate biggie.