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Friday, April 17, 2015

Body Part Insults

A FB friend ML, wrote a post this week: Out of respect for the human body and its noble excretory system, I have lately challenged myself to stop using body parts as derogatory expressions, but the people near that new Lexington Starbucks had me thinking...well, maybe "armpit."
Does armpit really replace Butt Hole and it’s slightly less polite alternative? Would you be insulted or just confused if someone called you an armpit? It’s no fun to confuse a jerk – jerks must be insulted – otherwise traffic gets too boring.
As a service to ML and other respecters of the lower alimentary canal (go ahead, look it up – I had to,) I’m compiling this list of non-excretory self-evidently insulting body parts.
Pustular Cyst - always a welcome surprise on picture day
Gangrenous appendage - not just for zombie movies anymore
Unconditioned hairpiece - not exactly a body part, but Shatner's not exactly an actor
Enlarged funny-bone - only funny on someone else.
Pink eye - the reason I was afraid to study conjunctions...  What?  Nobody got that?
Ingrown toenail - I can't stand these
Wart hair - your body's little flag to make sure the wart gets noticed
Impacted wisdom tooth - because late adolescence doesn't have enough pain already
Shingle rash - these drive my lupy
Inflamed uvula - not a huge insult.  I just like the word, uvula.
Swollen taste bud - I just wanted to stick my tongue out at you
Varicose vein - I think I'll save this one for pregnant women
Enlarged blackhead - a classic
Over pierced nostril - a neoclassic
Cirrhotic liver - use only with transparent Butt Holes
And finally - braided nose hair - for the jerk whose creativity you respect.

Speaking of being a jerk - here's a kill-joy vid on another popular FB post.