This is the second of many installments of Dirk Destroyer's Less Destructive Brother. Last week covered the stuff not to read, and so we begin this week with stuff to read, Chapter One (not to be confused with Chapter 1 which will come later.) Some of the chapters (like this one,) are too long for a single post, so I've broken one in two which might make this Chapter Half (not to be confused with Chapter 1/2 which might come later.)
Stuff To Read
Call Me Elmer
I don’t know if I’m immortal.
I just know I’m not dead.
I’m Elmer McFarland. I’m also Dirk Destroyer’s older brother, so most people know me as Elmer Destroyer. I’ve lost track of exactly how old I am – seven thousand and some. I had a birthday – I might be eight thousand now.
I’ve watched a lot of people go through the transition of not alive, to alive, to dead. Each generation isn’t that much different from the one before it. Most believe that their time on the planet is the most important, the most stylish, the most heroic, or perhaps even the most cataclysmic time period in history. Many think that the world will end in their lifetimes – as if the planet will be so overcome by the prospect of their deaths that it won’t be able to go on. Some think that they’ve been put on the planet to solve the great mysteries of time and space – or even change history forever.
I don’t much like being around those people – maybe because these grand destinies get pretty old after you’ve heard them so many times. The rocks and mountains probably get tired of my self-delusions. If so, they’ve been too polite to mention it. I try to keep my delusions to a minimum. Except for its length, my life hasn’t been too noteworthy. Mostly it’s been a lot of the same stuff over and over again.
Last week was pretty eventful, though. It’s even changed the way I look at things, and that doesn’t happen most millennia.
So I’ll tell you how I thought about stuff a week ago before all this stuff happened. I believed that legends changed every five hundred years, history every two hundred, political ideology every century, music and art every decade, and fashion twice a month. I also believed that the finest piece of music ever was the Fassentinker Third Duet for Scratchwing and Bellow, and that legend, history, and political ideology were way overblown, and that even if fanny packs were out of style three hundred and eighty-seven out of every three hundred and eighty-eight fashion fads, they were still damn handy and surprisingly sturdy. The one I wear has held up well, seeing as it’s nearly as old as me.
Fanny packs are especially useful if you enjoy a good cigar.
I also believed that my brother Dirk would always be seen as the bad guy, and that it would forever complicate matters for me.
Did I agree that Dirk was a bad guy? Not really. Dirk just enjoyed making powerful enemies: in particular, Uriculous Wisehind, the last translator of the Thirty-Seven Really Good Ideas.
What are the Thirty-Seven Really Good Ideas – just the foundation of everything.
We on the planet Two have lived by the Thirty-Seven Really Good Ideas long before any legends, history, political ideology, art movement, or fashion fad that I’ve ever heard of. The Thirty-Seven Ideas are so old that when I was born we only had three of them left – Ideas Seven, Nineteen, and Thirty-five.
Really Good Idea Number Seven: Thou shalt not start a land war in Phasia. Phasia was a large, heavily populated continent where much of the population was hard-working, polite, and good at math. Somewhere just shy of six thousand years ago, the people of planet Two lost track of Idea Number Seven. Dirk tried to tell them what it was, but Dirk, being a known prankster, was not believed. Within a few months, dozens of non-Phasian countries were invading more populous, hard-working, polite countries that were much better at math.
Turns out, Idea Number Seven was a pretty good idea. The invaders got creamed. Like I said, history is overblown. What’s the point if people won’t learn?
Really Good Idea Number Nineteen: Thou shalt not prevent a person from smoking cigars in their own home. The people of Planet Two lost that idea just over five thousand years ago, and that’s when tensions between Dirk and the rest of the world began to mount. Dirk and I are both fond of cigars, and we were each early on in our third millennium and feeling pretty secure about our long-term prognosis. Dirk didn’t have much patience for some forty-year-old infant halfway to her grave warning us how smoking would shorten our lives.
Dirk and I had picked up a few tricks by then – especially Dirk. I’m not talking about supernatural powers – just normal, natural abilities that any person who lives to four figures might know – especially if such a person discovered this school Dirk came upon that was just full of such stuff. As I mentioned, Dirk has always been a practical joker, and abilities like hypnosis and telekinesis are damn useful for practical joking. When the minister of smoking eradication went flying through the capitol stark naked and declaring that she was the chicken of divine succulence, a lot of people took it all wrong.
I thought it was funny, but I’ve never had a problem with Dirk. People started calling my brother Dirk the Evil Magician then, but it got changed to Dirk the Destroyer – I guess because it was shorter and people really like alliteration.
Next week we'll continue with Chapter One (not to be confused with Chapter 1 which comes later.) Dirk Destroyer is the third of the Genre series, though the other two have almost nothing to do with it except they didn't make me much money either. If you'd like to change that, you can purchase their downloads on Amazon. Trouble in Taos Volition Man
And now the video. The fact that Elmer Destroyer and Elmer Fudd have been around forever without looking any older is just a coincidence. Or is it?