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Friday, October 2, 2015

Dirk Destroyer's Less Destructive Brother part One Stuff Not To Read

This is the first installment of many in the serializations of Dirk Destroyer's Less Destructive Brother, the third book in my Genre series - the Satire. Like both of the genre books that preceded it, Dirk Destroyer begins with...

Stuff Not To Read
Author’s Note

This is a work of satire.
Whatever else you might think of this story, keep this in your mind – this is a work of satire.
Satire – keep that in mind.
Do I care about satire? Do I have an appreciation of the importance of satire in the maelstrom of political movements since ancient Greece? Could I even give you a good definition of satire?
So why, you might ask, and if you did, I might listen, am I writing a satire story, and secondarily, why am I going to such pains to make certain you know that the story is satire – which it is, by the way – no doubt about it.
Some of you have nodded your heads and understood completely, but as you are also the people who will go on and choose a better novel from your local online (local online?) bookstore, I will explain myself for the dim bulbs who are more likely to buy one of my books.
(Oh, but you’re such cute dim bulbs. Remember, romantic dinners and really good naps rarely occur under 250 watt floodlights.)
For some reason, and don’t ask because I don’t understand it myself, the litigious community of gold-digging law professionals have chosen one category of expression to be the alle-alle-in-come-free from the plague of litigious abuse that they have rained down on this country since the apple tree sued George Washington. Those of you paying attention may have already guessed that the holy safe ghouls I speak of is satire.
You can say ANYTHING about ANYBODY in satirical form and get away with it! All you have to do is change one letter of their name, or exaggerate one feature on their image, pretend to make some vague political point, and you are home free.
So what is my political point?
Can I pretend I didn’t hear that question?
No? All right, for the moment, my political point is that most political points are stupid, and that most politicians are ugly doo-doo dumb-heads.
If that doesn’t work, I’ll figure something out by the end of the story.

Editor’s Note

Customarily, an editor/publisher sends out advanced copies of a new book to prominent citizens in hopes of getting cover blub (I laughed, I cried, I couldn’t put it down… God (heaven.)) Their highest hope is to find someone who will write a prestigious foreword for the book.
We got plenty of feedback when we sent out Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother, unfortunately, we didn’t get permission to use any of it for cover blurb. We’ve decided to include some of these comments here, but in order to hide the commentator’s identity (and to avoid law suits,) we will only use each person’s initials and location:
Sen. J.M. (Washington, D.C.)
I’d tell you what I think, but it wouldn’t be prudent…”
fmr Pres. G.H.W.B. (Kennebunkport, ME)
I’m just glad a Democrat didn’t write it…”
fmr Pres. J.C. (Planes, GA)
I didn’t get it…”
VP J.B. (Washington, D.C.)
Somebody ask Frank what he did with my bell book and candle.”
H.H. B. XVI (retired) (Vatican, Rome)
It made me want to be a Muslim so I could declare Jihad…”
Rev. B.G. (Montreat, NC)
I don’t have that job anymore. I don’t have to read stuff…”
fmr Pres. G.W.B. (lost somewhere)
It’s just what I was talking about when I said the west was doomed…”
(the ghost of) O.B.L. (hell)
Not enough chicks…”
fmr Pres. B.C. (Hooters)
So you can see our problem. As a result, we have turned (as we have done before,) to a fictional character to write our foreword. In spite of the fact that fictional characters are technically incapable of refusing to do anything, a number changed their phone numbers, and twitter accounts long enough for us to settle on Ralph, better known as Slime Monster, from the not quite so bad Headley Hauser novella, Volition Man, Defender of Pollyville and Surrounding Towns.


Hello? Can you read me?
Hello, my name is Ralph, though to be accurate, my name at the time of mitosis was Canaramma Meat-Flavored La…
Maybe it’s not such a good idea to write out my original name in case you’re reading this aloud, as it will send one of us careening across the galaxy, and as I am fictional and gelatinous, I am more likely to go careening than you are.
Other than the Declaration of Independence, I have not read any earth literature before, and I feel confident in saying that if you have read the Declaration of Independence, you will find Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother different on many points. For one thing, all of the s’s are not shaped like f’s.
I found that ufeful.
So that’s the positive points to the story.
I noticed that no humans in this story go to the bathroom. The rat-bird and the sheep quite properly defecate regularly, but the humans go through their busy adventures without pausing to purge. People clean themselves either through water-flow, or the use of physics, but elimination of waste products (with the exception of one reference to a doodie centuries before) does not occur. I must tell you that from my limited understanding of human anatomy, this is very unhealthful. Please humans, eliminate your waste products! Were I back on earth, knowing what I know now, I would create one of those public service announcements. It is not gold – do not hoard it!
Ah, regrets.
There is nothing else of note that I gleaned from this story.
Respectfully – Ralph

Author’s Second Note
In times past, Go Figure Reads has intentionally sabotaged my efforts with faint praise, and unhelpful forewords.
Sigh, this time, I have to agree.
Worst Novel Ever?
You decide.

Next Friday we start the story - or Stuff to Read. If you forgot to download the first two books in the series when it was free this week, Amazon will be happy to accept two hundred and ninety-nine pennies (or digitally electrical facsimiles thereof,) to download each now.  Volition Man  Trouble in Taos

And now, the video.