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Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Notes for the End of the World




I'm grateful to my friend Joe T. for making me aware that the world ended on October 7th. Otherwise I would have missed it. It didn't go as planned but I'm confident that the disappointed apocalypt (my new word for the rapidly growing profession of prophets who predict the end of the world,) is hard at work realigning his (it always seems to be guys that do this,) stars, bible verses, chicken bones. Any day now he'll announce that his calculations were only slightly off. The world will ACTUALLY end in the relatively near future - whenever he's best able to re-fleece his followers who give outrageously to the apocalypt as if there's no tomorrow.

After all, you can't spell prophet without profit... wait, okay, you can, but who’s going to remember that when the earth turns into a ball of molten lava, or falls off the great turtle's back because one of the four elephants farted.
Fall off the turtle's back? Don't ask me, my muse of the day is Hindu.

It occurred to me that there's got to be a companion industry to apocalyptancy (like that one?) I've started offering prepper check lists for you future crispy critters. Apocapreps is what we like to call ourselves, or at least it will be when I find someone else who A) wants to create prepper check lists, and 2) wants to be called an apocaprep.
After all, we have to work this out now. Creating a prep list after the earth has dropped into a black hole may be problematic. Here's a sampling of some of the fine prep ideas you can purchase from me for only half of all your earthly goods (the valuable half, please. I don't want your hoarded ramen noodles.)

For those who think the world will end in a fiery inferno
1) Check your local Walgreens for SPF 20 trillion sun screen.
2) Enjoy a s'mores apocalypse by packing plenty of graham crackers, Hershey bars, and marshmallows in your cargo pants.

3) Remember, light colors reflect the heat, dark colors absorb it.
For those who believe the world will end by cessation of the earth spinning
1) Join a gym and take spinning classes, but (here's the key,) spin in the opposite direction to the earth's rotation. This will acclimate you (assuming you can spin at 1040 miles/hr.)
2) Make friends with a spinning guru like... the Tasmanian Devil.
What's that? He's only animated; he doesn't have a body? Yeah, you might want to learn that trick too.
3) Economy sized Dramamine.
For those who think the galaxy is only a complex molecule in a doggie treat that as we speak is being fed to a surprisingly large beagle. (These are my kind of folks!)
1) Be kind to every beagle you meet.
2) Politely apologize to the doggie treats next time you visit your local Safeway.

3) Stop reading Douglas Adams.
For those who believe all human-kind will be over-run by zombies.
1) Reduce the flavorishisness of your brains by regularly reading Just Plain Stupid (that's what you're currently reading for the more prepped among you,) and other works by Headley Hauser!
2) Buy my novella downloads - then buy them again, especially if you don't have a reading device. Compared to your neighbor's brains, yours will smell like hospital food.

3) Maybe not brushing your teeth might help.
For those who think a black hole will swallow the earth and crush us all with gravity so powerful it swallows light.
1) Practice up by sleeping one night a week in your aspirin bottle.
2) Buy a really sturdy night-light.
3) Get more great tips from those fabulous Star Trek spin-offs. Those guys went in and out of a black hole like it was the corner deli.

For those that worry the earth will fall off the great turtle's shell when the elephant farts...
1) Maybe growing more arms might help.

2) Eat more chicken?
3) Sorry - I got nothin'. My Hindu muse just left for Chick-Fil-A.

Finally, I would like to try my hand at being an apocalypt and make a prediction. AFTER THE 7 BILLIONTH FAILED APOCALYPTIC PROFITSEE, (sorry) PROPHESY, (and we've got to be more than halfway there already,) THE WORLD WILL CONTINUE SPINNING, BUT APOCALYPTS WILL CEASE PREDICTING DOOM AND GLOOM!
Unfortunately, like all other apocalyptic prophesies, mine won't come true either.

I hope this has been helpful to you, (almost as much as I hope to find a way to make as much money being and apocaprepper, as those apocalypts are raking in.)




   Here's that spinning guru.