You’ve navigated to an excerpt from Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother. If you haven’t been following the previous posts, I don’t think I can help you. Just hang on and see if any of this makes sense.
Usually when a story is told, it comes in three parts. You have the set up, the body, and the conclusion. When you move from one to the other, you have a transition. Transitions are typically the hardest things to describe in a story, and frequently the story teller has to resort to bad grammar in the process.
“Anyway, that’s when we…”
“So like after all that…”
Professional story-tellers have imaginative ways of accomplishing transitions, but I’m just the seven or eight thousand and something-year-old brother of a planetary pariah, and curiously, making a smooth transition in story-telling is not one of the skills you pick us if you live long enough.
That being said (typical amateur transition phrase,) I will move on to the next morning when the members of our quest consisting of Lustavious, Mage-e-not, Ono with Swampy firmly attached to her shoulder, Lip Ton Tease, and the Jonma Claim incarnation of Uriculous Wisehind gathered in the director’s lab prior to leaving the ministry in search of Dirk Destroyer (who’s real last name was McFarland, by the way.)
Fellowship of the Bring
“Ah HA,” said Lustavious with relish and a musical lilt. “Now we seek out the great criminal of our times… and several other times as well. Let us step lively now, my comrades!”
“One moment,” said Youtickubus Akwar who while not in the room previously, nor invited, appeared seemingly out of nowhere. This surprised me less than when she appeared among the mops in the janitor’s closet – which despite my seeming calmness at the time, had been a reoccurring theme in my nightmares the previous evening. At least she was near the doorway, and not standing behind me. She motioned in a tall gangly, stiff looking creature that may or may not have been alive.
“I found this Jonma,” said Akwar, “and I think he will be helpful to our director with his little control problem.”
“Youtickubus,” said Jonma Claim in a harsh whisper, “We agreed not to mention my little problem in front of the other members of the quest.”
“But this Jonma will help you.”
“Huh?” said Ono, “can one ghoul plink and plop into two Jonma Claims?”
“It can’t,” said Akwar, “but this creature is not a Jonma Claim; he is a Jonma Carry.”
“Call me Jon,” said the stooped, but statue-like Jonma.
“I am not familiar with a Jonma Carry,” said Lip Ton Tease.
“Please call me Jon,” said the mask-like face of Jonma Carry.
“A Jonma Carry,” said Akwar, slapping the hand of the creepy tall creature before it could ask us to call it Jon again, “is not inhabited like a Jonma Claim, as a matter of fact, it does not even start out profoundly stupid – merely below average.”
“Then how does it become a Jonma,” asked someone, but I don’t remember who.
“A Jonma Carry is developed through brain-abusive behavior like excessive tanning, overexposure to tomato-based condiments, and the injection of poisons into the skin to make all facial muscles immobile.”
“That sounds pretty stupid to me,” said Mage-e-not who, getting a hard stare from Akwar, disappeared from the neck up.
“Perhaps,” said Akwar.
“So how will the grotesque creature be of help to us?” asked Lustavious.
“Please call me Jon,” said Jonma Carry.
“A Jonma Carry,” said Akwar, “helps prevent the original personality of a Jonma Claim from filibustering.”
“What’s filibustering?” I wanted to ask, but Akwar kept talking about something unrelated so I couldn’t get my question heard.
“Big group,” said Swampy after Akwar finally shut up, “Too big. Too many names.”
“I’ll leave,” said the invisible face of Mage-e-not.
“No,” said Jonma Claim. “You are all essential. I will need your considerable powers Mage-e-not to assist Lustavious.”
“No more pork chops,” said Swampy.
“Then I volunteer to remain here,” said Akwar, “unless any of you feel you want me along.”
I’d never noticed that they had crickets in the ministry building before, but sure enough, I could hear them chirping. Swampy flew off from Ono’s shoulder leaving a trail of defecation on Lustavious’ bandage.
Swampy liked crickets for breakfast.
Akwar looked up expectantly at Lustavious, who stared down at his crappy bandage. Then she looked down at the Jonma Claim, who looked almost as blank-faced as the first time I’d seen him. She started to back out of the room, attempting to establish eye contact with every member of the party. Even the Jonma Carry looked away.
A half hour latter, the invisible head of Mage-e-not asked, “Is it safe?”
“She’s gone,” said Swampy flying back into the room, crapping on Lustavious, and landing on Ono’s shoulder once again.
“Then let us venture forth,” said Lustavious in an uncharacteristically low voice.
Without uttering another word, or looking anywhere but forward, we left the ministry and walked three miles north.
“All right,” said Mage-e-not, “somebody tell me why we’re walking north.”
“Weren’t you leading?”
“I wasn’t leading, I thought Jonma Claim was leading.”
“I wasn’t leading,” said Jonma Claim, “I thought Lustavious was leading.”
“I’ll lead,” said Jonma Carry.
“Shut up, Jonma.”
“Call me Jon.”
“North is the path to Celestial enlightenment,” said Lip Ton Tease.
“Is that what we’re looking for?”
“No,” sputtered Jonma Claim. “We’re looking for Dirk Destroyer.”
“Where is he?”
Suddenly everyone was looking at me. “Look,” I said. “I’m a go-along, get-along type of guy, but you’re asking me to find my brother so the rest of you can cast him and me into oblivion forever. Do you think I want to help you do that?”
“Ah!” said Lustavious energetically, while keeping a wary eye on Swampy. “Of course we understand your feelings, but the time for selfishness is past. It’s time to think of the greater good! The whole planet is in trouble. People are starving. The sheep are annoyed. We need your help. We need it now!”
There it was again, that empty-headed-feeling I had experienced before. I knew there were obvious fallacies in what Lustavious was saying, but my mind couldn’t catch one of them, much less wrestle it to the ground, master it, and put it into words.
“He enjoys carving caricatures in the wool of sheep,” I offered.
“So we need to find sheep!” said Jonma Claim.
“Look around you,” said Mage-e-not.
He was right. There were sheep everywhere – dozens of little groupings across the landscape, mostly gathered around grassy places that were getting harder and harder to find.
“Not very helpful, Comrade,” said Lustavious, “but I know you can do better,” which he sang rather than said. “You can lead us to where we need to go.”
He hit a high note on go that was truly impressive. I couldn’t remember any male older than thirteen hitting a note that high.
“And he likes smoking…”
“Look,” said Mage-e-not, “smoke!”
So, if you’re keeping score, we have a caricature of a pol from the R party and one from the D party. For proper symmetry, we need an independent (with R tendencies,) for our next post. After that, symmetry will go out the window, (though in a balanced, even-handed fashion before it hits the messy scrapheap of chaotic satire.)
Speaking of smoke, here’s a clip of a moment from the Beverly Hillbillies when Granny gets busted for drugs.