Things I DON’T Resolve for 2016

Things I DON’T Resolve for 2016

This year has been a revelation. Everything I thought I knew about virtue, responsibility, leadership, and… personal grooming has been stood on its oddly coiffed head in 2015. Now as we come upon the season for creating New Year’s resolutions, I find that this time-honored tradition has become outmoded.

“Why is this?” you may ask.

It’s all changed due to the unorthodox presidential campaign of The Donald. Will inauguration day, 2017 bring us our first White House reality show? If a mature republic chooses its governance in such a fashion, it seems incumbent on me to bend with the times. With a leader so unfettered, why should I create a list restrictions and imperatives designed to make me a better person?

So, no New Year’s resolutions.

(Actually I do have one New Year’s resolution. I resolve not to buy expensive presents for children under 10. Instead, I will go to the local furniture and appliance store, get the three largest boxes they’ll give me for free, nest them, and put a Dollar Store toy inside.)

Putting that aside, this is my list of things I DON’T resolve for 2016.

1) I don’t resolve to hold my temper.

Why should I? It’s not restraint and politeness that impresses and wins, but bluster, blather, and bloviation. It doesn’t matter what you say. It doesn’t matter what tone you use. What matters is that you say whatever comes into your head LOUDER than the other person.

2) I don’t resolve to apologize when I’m wrong.

I never realized before, but a person is never wrong if he or she sticks to his guns and never backs down. Facts be damned! Be a hero!

3) I don’t resolve to work out more.

I almost learned this from President Bill Clinton, but then he went on a diet.

(What a waffler!)

The Donald is pudgy, and no one says a word.

VLACAYCEB! (Viva la Atlantic City all-you-can-eat buffet.) And on a related note…

4) I don’t resolve to pay attention to my personal grooming.

Any questions?

5) I don’t resolve to stay true to my commitments.

In 1979, The Donald supported Carter’s reelection.

Then he was a firm supporter of Reagan.

He supported Bush, but then was (in hindsight) a supporter of Bill Clinton, so much so that he later ran a fund raiser for Hillary Clinton's Senate bid.

In 2008 he endorsed Newt Gingrich,

Mitt Romney,

John McCain,

and finally Barack Obama.

Now he’s promising not to run third party if he’s not the Republican nominee

(tee-hee, good one, Donald.)

This philosophy of firm commitment to whatever direction the wind blows

is really liberating!

6) I don’t resolve to make my positions clear.

If a debt-collector asks me what I’m going to do about my over-due credit card bill, I’ll tell him unequivocally that debt is bad. I’ll tell him that I’ll be hard-nosed about it. I’ll tell him that I’m the only credit card holder out there that’s truly qualified to bring this balance under control. I’ll be firm. I’ll speak loudly. I might pound my fist a time or two, and then I’ll hang up.

That’ll solve the problem!

7) I don’t resolve to prepare myself for my job.

Nuance schmooance! I’m particularly impressed with The Donald’s positions on foreign policy. ISIS won’t dare cross him. Mexico will gladly pay for our boarder control. China and Russia will do precisely what he damn-well tells them to do!

All this time I’ve worried about my readers wanted – trying to be funny, trying not to offend. I’ve been a total a suck-up! People will now read my blog and buy my books because I’VE DECIDED THAT THEY WILL!!!!! Trouble In Taos Volition Man Cinder

Who would have guessed it was so easy? I’m so grateful to Mr. Trump for setting me straight on all this. I feel free (in an angry and curmudgeonly way.)

Oh, and just one more.

8) I don’t resolve to vote for Donald Trump in 2016.

If you want details of the The Donald's policies, you need to talk to his two top advisers.