Saying So-Long

Walter Bego, the chief muckety-muck of Go Figure Reads called me the other day.

(Never a good thing.)

“So Headley,” said Walter, “how do you think the blog is going?”

“Stupid as always,” I say defensively.

“Stupid, yes,” said Walter, “like a stupid box set.”

“Huh?”

Maybe I could have found a more intelligent rejoinder, but the fact is, Walter was right. All of my highest view-count posts are more than a year old. Most Wednesdays and Saturdays (the days after I make my posts,) the most recent post is behind two – to – five older posts in the 24 hour rankings.

“I see a lot of pictures of other people’s kittens lately,” said Walter.

“I know.”

“You’ve been taking stuff from Stanley too.”

“He offered.”

“And that’s with you serializing Dirk Destroyer, a novella that might be breaking records for unpopularity.”

“That’s because I didn’t include Donald Trump.”

"I don’t think so,” said Walter. “Avoiding The Donald should have helped your ratings.  We really should find a good place for that guy.”

I hate it when Walter’s right.

“And how long has it been since you finished a novel – two and a half years?”

“I started two.”

“And the last one you finished?”

“Dirk Destroyer...”

There was silence at the other end of the line. I was hoping it was because someone was garroting Walter, or maybe he had been transported to a planet full of Barney Dinosaur wanna-bes.

“Sorry Headley,” said Walter finally, not really masking the glee in his voice, “Your blog just isn’t cutting it any more. It’s sucking you dry. Let’s face it; you didn’t have much talent to start with and now with all this sucking – your blog really…”

“Sucks?”

“Admitting the problem is the first step to recovery.”

Walter hung up, but not before I heard him start humming a merry tune.

The great sensei of blogging and originator of Great American Things, Robin Chalkley said that a successful blog should be updated at least twice a week.

What he didn’t have to say is that the material needs to be decent. So now I put Just Plain Stupid on hiatus. You may see a new post here or there, but only when I have something worthwhile to say - so Walter would tell you not to hold your breath.  In the meantime, check out Junk Drawer, which might have more stories now that I'm not being stupid - intentionally.  Junk Drawer

So, it’s not goodbye – just so long,.  Oh, and Walter - too many kittens?  In the words of Bill the Cat:

Pbbbbttttttt!

(mostly) Non-political Pun-dit.

   Happy New Hampshire primary day.  I'd ask when this political season will end, but 12.3 seconds after we elect someone this November, the 2020 political season will begin, so...
   The heck with it.  Let's just do a bunch of puns.
   Star Wars has been popular since the last pun post.

Here are a couple spoilers from little-known parts of the movie

He convinces us to take our shoes off by the power of his mind

Hopefully she has a better air handling system.  Speaking of which, have you met...

Vlad the Inhaler.  Okay, that wasn't star wars, but air-related, like this next one

And speaking of bad air - 

Sorry for the politics... You just can't excape it unless you're...

There's a long tradition of animal stand-up

So bad the whole species died on that stage.  Maybe due to...

What?  You didn't like that one?

Books change the way your head works.  Sometimes too much

Shifting to a cultural reference - How about this one?

You lose the castle, there's always...

Poor Richard might not have had the best claim to the throne because

It's important to know where you came from and who you are...

Alright - one last pun to wishing Happy Valentine's Day to smart people

No, I don't get it either.

   Here's a British weather forecast crammed with Star Wars references.  How many can you catch?

Things I DON’T Resolve for 2016

Things I DON’T Resolve for 2016

This year has been a revelation. Everything I thought I knew about virtue, responsibility, leadership, and… personal grooming has been stood on its oddly coiffed head in 2015. Now as we come upon the season for creating New Year’s resolutions, I find that this time-honored tradition has become outmoded.

“Why is this?” you may ask.

It’s all changed due to the unorthodox presidential campaign of The Donald. Will inauguration day, 2017 bring us our first White House reality show? If a mature republic chooses its governance in such a fashion, it seems incumbent on me to bend with the times. With a leader so unfettered, why should I create a list restrictions and imperatives designed to make me a better person?

So, no New Year’s resolutions.

(Actually I do have one New Year’s resolution. I resolve not to buy expensive presents for children under 10. Instead, I will go to the local furniture and appliance store, get the three largest boxes they’ll give me for free, nest them, and put a Dollar Store toy inside.)

Putting that aside, this is my list of things I DON’T resolve for 2016.

1) I don’t resolve to hold my temper.

Why should I? It’s not restraint and politeness that impresses and wins, but bluster, blather, and bloviation. It doesn’t matter what you say. It doesn’t matter what tone you use. What matters is that you say whatever comes into your head LOUDER than the other person.

2) I don’t resolve to apologize when I’m wrong.

I never realized before, but a person is never wrong if he or she sticks to his guns and never backs down. Facts be damned! Be a hero!

3) I don’t resolve to work out more.

I almost learned this from President Bill Clinton, but then he went on a diet.

(What a waffler!)

The Donald is pudgy, and no one says a word.

VLACAYCEB! (Viva la Atlantic City all-you-can-eat buffet.) And on a related note…

4) I don’t resolve to pay attention to my personal grooming.

Any questions?

5) I don’t resolve to stay true to my commitments.

In 1979, The Donald supported Carter’s reelection.

Then he was a firm supporter of Reagan.

He supported Bush, but then was (in hindsight) a supporter of Bill Clinton, so much so that he later ran a fund raiser for Hillary Clinton's Senate bid.

In 2008 he endorsed Newt Gingrich,

Mitt Romney,

John McCain,

and finally Barack Obama.

Now he’s promising not to run third party if he’s not the Republican nominee

(tee-hee, good one, Donald.)

This philosophy of firm commitment to whatever direction the wind blows

is really liberating!

6) I don’t resolve to make my positions clear.

If a debt-collector asks me what I’m going to do about my over-due credit card bill, I’ll tell him unequivocally that debt is bad. I’ll tell him that I’ll be hard-nosed about it. I’ll tell him that I’m the only credit card holder out there that’s truly qualified to bring this balance under control. I’ll be firm. I’ll speak loudly. I might pound my fist a time or two, and then I’ll hang up.

That’ll solve the problem!

7) I don’t resolve to prepare myself for my job.

Nuance schmooance! I’m particularly impressed with The Donald’s positions on foreign policy. ISIS won’t dare cross him. Mexico will gladly pay for our boarder control. China and Russia will do precisely what he damn-well tells them to do!

All this time I’ve worried about my readers wanted – trying to be funny, trying not to offend. I’ve been a total a suck-up! People will now read my blog and buy my books because I’VE DECIDED THAT THEY WILL!!!!! Trouble In Taos Volition Man Cinder

Who would have guessed it was so easy? I’m so grateful to Mr. Trump for setting me straight on all this. I feel free (in an angry and curmudgeonly way.)

Oh, and just one more.

8) I don’t resolve to vote for Donald Trump in 2016.

If you want details of the The Donald's policies, you need to talk to his two top advisers.

Bumble Starts a Tradition

In last Tuesday’s post I gave Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer a pass on my list of failed paragons. Not content to leave a tradition unbashed, I decided to return to this claymation classic, and provide a brief sequel.

Bumble Starts a Tradition

by Headley Hauser

Since meeting Rudolph and Hermey, Bumble had a problem. Sure, it was fun to put the star on the top of the Christmas tree, and he enjoyed cheers and clapping he got for it, but Bumble couldn’t shake the impression that he was being applauded by a roomful of delicious steaks and roasts.

When an abominable snowman wants to make a day special, he (or she,) eats something special. For Bumble, nothing gave him that warm feeling of the holidays quite so much as a pair of elves or reindeer roasting on an open fire. Standing there in the workshop surrounded by his new, edible companions, Bumble started drooling. Drooling for a creature his size, and a member of his species was embarrassing and, as he was a frozen creature, dangerous. Bumble quickly wiped his mouth, knocking down a four-foot saliva icicle, which narrowly missed Mrs. Claus’ punch bowl and still peppered the elfin choir with ice shards as it shattered.

“Ewww,” said Noresta, a plump elf that Bumble thought looked particularly delicious, “we almost got frozen monster drool in our punch!”

“You know,” said Hermey, Bumble’s oldest friend, having known him for two days without gnawing on him, “saliva serves a number of useful purposes. It says so here in my Dentistry for Dummies book.”

“What this fellow needs,” said Yukon Cornelius, “is a new food source to drool over, and the quicker the better!”

“There’s that walrus outside,” said Rumbo the formerly misfit toy elephant in a clear case of tusk-envy.

“No-ho-ho!” said Santa, “We can’t have Bumble eating animals that can talk, and blow-ho-ho. He’s already eaten too many a buck and doe-ho-ho. We need to find him the perfect food and tie it with a bow-ho-ho. Otherwise, our Bumble will have to go-ho-ho.”

“Hey Santa,” said Rumbo, who was a bit of a wisenheimer for a stuffed animal, “what was that writer’s name, Edgar Allan…?”

“Poe-ho-ho!” said Santa.

“That’s what I thought,” said Rumbo.

“But Santa,” said Hermey, “we can’t kick Bumble out.” Hermey was quite sympathetic for an elf that wanted to pull out people’s teeth, root and all. Bumble thought that Hermey looked particularly appetizing when he was sympathetic.

“Then feed him some chow-ho-ho.”

“Now Santa,” said Mrs. Claus. “Chow doesn’t rhyme with ho-ho.”

“Give him food to grow-ho-ho!”

“To grow?” said Rumbo. “We’re already in danger of being beheaded by his toe nails!”

“Nap time, Santa,” said Mrs. Clause. “You always start stretching your ho-ho rhymes when you’re overtired.”

shameless product placement

“Ho-hos!” said Rudolph, as Santa obediently schlepped his bowl-full-of-jelly to the bedroom. “Ho-hos are sweet and delicious. Everybody likes ho-hos. I bet Bumble would like them.”

“Tried that,” said Hermey, “in spite of my better judgment regarding tooth decay. We also tried cookies, candies, sugarplums, and an asphalt shingle that fell off the roof.”

“Asphalt chewy,” said Bumble.

“But bad for your teeth,” scolded Hermey.

“Besides,” said Mrs. Claus, “we can’t have Bumble eating us out of house and home.”

“Better than eating us and home,” said Rumbo.

“But Bumble preferring the shingle to traditional treats gives us a lead,” said Yukon Cornelius. “We’ve been offering Bumble things that we like to eat, but monsters are different from us. After all, we don’t want to eat each other.”

obligatory Trump slam

There was a snort from the crowd that may have come from Horno, the elf.  Horno shook his head and pointed to the Hispanic elf next to him.

“So what you’re saying,” said Hermey “is that we need to find something that there’s a lot of, and that isn’t alive, and that nobody likes at all.”

“Fruitcake!” said too many people to list in this story.

“I have one here,” said Mrs. Claus, “but I don’t have anything to cut it with.”

“Don’t ruin a perfectly good knife trying to cut fruitcake,” said Yukon Cornelius. “It’s already bite-sized for our little friend.

“Catch, Bumble!” Yukon Cornelius threw the disgusting fruitcake into the air, and Bumble caught it in his mouth.

“He’ll probably lose half his incisors biting it,” said Hermey.

There was no rain of broken teeth as the giant monster chewed, and then swallowed. “Uutecake good!” said Bumble, “Better even that broiled elf.”

He probably would have gotten more of a cheer if he’d left out that last part.

So Bumble the abominable snowman began a new holiday tradition by eating a mound of fruitcake the size of Santa’s sleigh…

Unfortunately, his new tradition was short-lived as he got a job with the EPA eating hazardous waste sites. The sites generally tasted better than fruitcake, and, according to Hermey, were better for his teeth.

What's that your say?  There's no walrus in Rudolph?  Alright, I cheated.  Here's the 1986 claymation short the walrus comes from.