Welcome back to Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother – an unpublished novel of political parody. When we left off, Jonma Claim AKA Uriculous Wisehind, who is the non-dead leader of the Fellowship of the Bring has assigned Elmer Destroyer to keep watch while those who plan to banish him and his brother to oblivion catch a few Zs.
I guess that makes sense to politicians.
When Reason Sleeps, Politicians Talk
It turns out there was something to watch that night.
At first all there was to see was tossing, grumbling, farting, more grumbling, which then transitioned into less tossing and grumbling and more snoring and farting. I didn’t mind being the only one awake. I wasn’t used to so much company and despite the growing stench; I was enjoying the comparative peace. Jonma Carry was sitting upright propped against a tree with his eyes open. If it hadn’t been for his light snoring, I might have thought him awake.
And then his snoring stopped. He looked over at Jonma Claim who had also stopped snoring and was sitting up. Uriculous’ constantly annoyed, constipated expression was now replaced by a different, though equally annoyed and constipated expression.
“You!” said Jonma Claim, apparently to Jonma Carry, because he wasn’t looking at me. “What are you doing here?”
“Watching you,” said Jonma Carry.
“I don’t want you in my party,” said Jonma Claim.
“It’s not your party,” said Carry’s stone-like features. “You’re only carrying water for someone else.”
“Jonma Claim doesn’t carry water for anyone,” sputtered Claim. “I’m a maverick!”
“Like you didn’t carry water for the Casinos, or the S&Ls?”
“Too shmuch money in shpoliticsch!” sputtered Claim.
“And you got your share.”
“You should talk, you medal-throwing radical. You got all your money and power through marriage.”
“So did you.”
“I only married one rich woman,” said Jonma Claim proudly. “My first wife was poor. You jumped from one rich widow to the next.”
“Only two rich widows,” said Carry.
“That’s only ‘cause ketchup queen has more money than you could spend!”
“I wish,” said Carry. “Stupid pre-nup.”
“You don’t even like ketchup!”
“It’s called Catsup,” said Carry, “and you’re right.”
“What’s wrong? The Dijon mustard widow wasn’t available?”
None of what they were saying made any sense to me, but they were getting loud in saying it. That didn’t surprise me, stupid people usually get loud, but I wondered if I was supposed to do something about it.
I felt a tap on my arm. Ono with a sleeping Swampy still attached to her shoulder was behind me.
“Sorry about the noise,” I said.
“Why are they croaking and cackling?” she asked.
“Something about ketchup and casinos,” I said.
“Will they shush?”
I thought about the problem. It didn’t seem too difficult. I ionized the oxygen molecules near their faces creating ozone. As they breathed in the ozone, they began panting, then yawning, then finally dropped off to sleep. If I left the ozone bubbles around them, neither would wake up in the morning. That would solve my Uriculous Wisehind problem. It was tempting, but I burst the bubbles instead.
“How kerplop?” asked Ono.
“Just a trick you learn if you live long enough.” She put her hand on my arm. It was a simple gesture of gratitude, but I felt my face blush like a twelve-year-old boy’s.
“No schtupeing,” said Swampy who was not asleep after all.
Ono laughed. “Thank you, Mr. McFarland,” she said. It was only four words, but it was the first time I’d heard her say something normal-sounding.
“Call me Elmer.”
“Thank you, Elmer,” she said, then yawned and went back to her patch of ground.
I listened of her soft purr-like snores and Swampy’s raucous honk snores before I started breathing easier. I pondered two things as I sat and watched. Was it a good idea to fall for a woman eight thousand years younger than me? And how hard would it be to convince this hungry party that five thousand-year-old swamp-rat bird goes well with beans?
Wow! A whole chapter with no partials or asides. I wonder if that will ever happen again.
Here’s the video. It's a year old and at least a day late to be of use - just the kind of service you've come to expect from Just Plain Stupid.