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Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Medical Pushery

I got my first pair of real glasses in decades a couple months ago. My eyes are marginal and I’ve been able to get by on Dollar Tree magnifiers, though I lack sufficient knowledge of botany to tell you what tree grows dollars (or magnifying glasses for that matter.)
It wasn’t so much that I needed prescription glasses; it was a bene at work and I figured if it’s free, I should get it.
You see I forgot the axiom of medical pushery, whether it’s from Doctor Respectable behind the marble pillars, or Doctor Freak hanging out on the corner of Fifteenth and Main: The first one is always free. A few days after getting the real glasses, I had trouble reading with the Dollar Tree cheapies. Not only that, but my ears and the bridge of my nose started craving for the optometrist custom fit. That’s right, I’m an addict; I’m hooked, and I can’t find a 12 step program for medically-assisted presbyopia. Already my eyes are toying with astigmatism - the hard stuff.
(May induce hallucinations)
We’ve always known that pain killers are addictive, but we’ve been laboring under the impression that prescription dope was a medical anomaly. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate. The doctor biz is a racket like any other. They work to grow their customer base and protect their territory.
Does your back give you trouble? You got two choices. You can go to the doc-in-a-box and get the pain killers, or you can go to quack-in-the-shack and have a chiropractor do an “adjustment.”
Oh, I’ll go to the chiropractor. At least I won’t get addicted.
Don’t be too sure. Whenever I hear someone rave about the bone-shifter I ask them a few questions. The answers are always the same.
The Chiropractor heals you?
Sure does!
How long you been going to him?
Oh, for years!
How are you when you miss an appointment?
Does that sound like an addiction to you? It does to me.
Three years ago, my friend Marie went to a cosmetic surgeon to get a mole removed. Now she has a new nose, chin, cheek bones, and I think she’s getting a Jacuzzi installed somewhere (I don’t want to know where,) next month.
Lenny from work let his dentist whiten his teeth two shades. He’s been back four times and his teeth are so bright he gets up in the middle of the night and finds the bathroom without turning on a light..
I even know people who visit their doctor once a month to get an enema. What kind of crap is that? What’s next – going to an anesthesiologist for sleep therapy?
It’s all the same game in the medical field. Once you start going, you’ve got a monkey on your back. The only difference is that the guys with the nice offices pay off the politicians.
You never heard Nancy Reagan say, “Just say no to prescription glasses.”
So they’ve got me now. I’m hooked on optometry. Sometimes I even drool during commercials for photochromic lenses, but I’ve learned my lesson – I’m not going to fall for next “free” medical addiction they pitch at me.

Especially not that enema thing – yuck!

And then there's this.