Christmas Paragons Lost

As we’re now well into the holidays, I thought I might pay tribute to those paragons who inspire us all with the ideals of the season. What would Christmas be without these animated and clay-mation stalwarts of holiday goodness? They serve to inspire us to be the kind of folk that makes Christmas last 365 days a year.

Or maybe they’re just total frauds.

Let’s have a closer look as these perennial icons of December prime time.

Santa Claus:

The man lives so far north that no sane adults live near him. He forces a diminutive ethnic minority to labor 364 days a year creating products that he takes credit for on the one day a year he get’s off his overfed be-hind and works. Eight “tiny” indigenous creatures are forced out of their natural habitat to propel an uninspected flying vehicle from icy rooftop to icy rooftop, contrary to several OSHA regulations.

Santa a paragon? Only if you’re searching for an archetype of the American corporate CEO.

Frosty the Snowman:

A dead pipe smoker is brought to life by a magical item he doesn’t own. In spite of his revival, he continues to smoke like a chimney, and refuses to return the magician’s property. While Frosty whiles away his short, unproductive life, he portrays the victimized magician as the bad guy.

Frosty a paragon? Not unless you admire beltway lobbyists

The Grinch:

A man living high above all others, and thinking himself superior, decides to steal everyone’s property for the holidays. He then returns some of the property (minus the inefficiencies of sled travel,) and helps himself and his employee to a generous portion of the people’s holiday feast. For this act, he accepts accolades as a kind-hearted hero.

The Grinch a paragon? I suppose we could make him the patron saint of political office-holders.

Charlie Brown:

A boy is tasked by his peers with obtaining the best quality Christmas tree he can. He intentionally chooses the worst tree, has a religious service, and convinces his peers that they see qualities in the tree that aren’t there.

Charlie Brown a paragon? You could make that argument. If inspiring evangelists and Amway enthusiasts around the world by proving that you can sell anything with religion is a virtue.

Rudolph:

Hmmm. Victimized, sorry for himself, whiny, he runs away and chances on some people that end up helping themselves.  The real hero is an elven dentist.

Rudolf a paragon? I guess he’s not evil. I’ll give the little ruminant a pass, but notice he’s the only four-legged herbivore on this list.

Little Drummer Boy:

An undisciplined child wanders into an otherwise adults-only baby shower. In spite of the infant’s sensitive ears, he pounds out an elongated drum solo. He then congratulates himself because the infant in a fit of gas forms his lips into a smile.

The Little Drummer Boy a paragon? You tell me next time you volunteer to organize a pageant and some nine-year-old demands the lead because he/she is so special.

The Tick!:

While not ordinarily associated with the holidays, The Tick is selfless and dedicated to the betterment of… non-evil stuff.

The Tick a paragon? Absolutely! That’s why evil corporate big shots cancelled both his animated and live-action shows, and you never see his Christmas special!

But you can see it here.

The Grinch

He’s so much a part of our holiday that we forget that the Grinch is a relatively modern addition to Christmas – barely fifty years old. He was crafted by two geniuses – Dr. Seuss, and Boris Karloff, who supplied the voice. Is it because tart makes the sweet sweeter that characters like the Grinch and his much older colleague, Scrooge stand unabashedly among the much jollier Santa, Rudolf, Frosty, and Clarence the angel.

There must be something more to it.

I think we can pretty much forget the Jim Carey version. 

 Most children under 10 have never heard of it. The Grinch was meant to be in rough animation with the voice of Frankenstein’s monster giving it life.

The Grinch sells a lot of Tequila, as the story is the subject of a very popular drinking game. Odd – that thievery and drunkenness would be forgiven as the Grinch is celebrated in these politically correct times.

Of course It’s a Wonderful Life is similarly celebrated, and nobody mentions Jimmy Stewart’s brawling or the verbal abuse of his wife, his kids, Bert the cop, and a school teacher.

But the Grinch was also an abuser of animals. Something that was accepted and considered funny in cartoons of the 60s, surely can’t be tolerated in an age of PETA.

Where do these Christmas icons get their teflon? Do we forgive the Grinch because adorable Cindy Lou Who does? Maybe it’s because he did kindly heroic things at the end.

But what did he do? He stopped a sled of stolen loot (and the pet he had abused constantly,) from falling off a cliff. That’s certainly a feat of strength, but any unrepentant thief would wish to do the same. He blew a trumpet as he rushed into Whoville, returning most of what he had taken,  (remember, items fell off his sled.) But he still had all that he had at the beginning of the tale, and he and his minion got a great meal out of the deal. What was so kindly or heroic about that?

So – we have a crafty, avaricious, spiteful man. He steals everything he can from his neighbors. He then gives some of it back, but his victimization cycle leaves him in the black. Not only does he gain materially, but he’s haled as a hero and a great guy. He gets to sit at the head of the table and decide (through carving,) exactly how much roast beast goes to each citizen of Whoville.

Oh – I get it!

We revere the Grinch because he is the patron saint of politicians.

Here's more from Carlin on politics - Warning, Carlin was not exactly delicate in his presentation

Potpourri - Not the Kind You Smoke

So it's the week after Thanksgiving and I'm thankful that I have a bunch of pictures for this post - it means I don't have to write much.
I'm also grateful for safety.  For instance.

I have no surgery scheduled

I have no trips to NY NY planned

Our erratic ways have kept the aliens at bay

I don't work at McDonalds

Most of my deadly enemies are out of town

I haven't gotten much chain mail lately

I'm grateful for animals

And that cats don't know much about snowballs

Mice are so compassionate

Not sure if this counts

So THAT'S what it's all about

I'm grateful for oddballs

Between 10 and 2 will he be there

THIS is a guy I'd vote for!

And finally, I'm grateful that...

A certain holiday is still more than three weeks away

Hey!  At least it's not February yet.

Work, Death, and Light Bulbs

I don’t plan to work a day after I die – I don’t care how many times my boss calls me.

I’m dead – that’s it – no notice, except the one in the obits. Please say something nice. Lie if you have to. Don’t make me haunt you.

No, no work days, after I’ve gone to the great (fill in the blank) in the (fill in the blank.)

Especially as I’ll probably be cremated.

 

“Sift him into the working clothes boys.”

“Whew! We’re gonna have to start calling this guy, Dusty.”

That’s no way to urn a living.

By the way, puns are allowed after you’re dead.

As is the proud tradition among males in my family, I didn’t figure I’d live long enough to retire. The tradition probably began because a whole bunch of us never did.

Now I’ve lived past that heart issue at 50 that all Hausers get, so I’m starting to see life from a whole new perspective. Now instead of a sudden death in the prime of life, I’m looking at years of old age, eating cat food, and starving in the cold.

Quite a comfort.

And now they’re taking away my incandescent bulbs. How are you supposed to stay warm on a winter night cozying up to a compact florescent light? You can stick your finger right into that coil thing, and not even warm the rest of your hand.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m ready to love the CFL. I’m already fond of gloomy days and Cheerios without the milk, why shouldn’t I love CFLs?

Of Course, I would like CFLs better if any of the following were true.

1) They were the most efficient form of light bulb.

2) They worked reliably and well.

3) They worked in my 3-way lamp.

4) They weren’t a major cause of migraine headaches.

 

5) They didn’t pose a deadly toxin threat (mercury) to all living beings – I gotta admire ambitious toxins.

Maybe this reason is not so important.

6) They weren’t pushed on us by government.

7) They weren’t pushed on government by a huge corporation in bed with politicians.

8) They didn’t look so stupid (Okay, I’m ready to let that one go.)

9) My power bill wasn’t higher because somebody decided to pack up cases of these toxic, inefficient boondoggles, and ship them free-of-charge, to poison the far-too-nearby homes of wastrel (like that word – even when it doesn’t fit,) neighbors who make more money than me.

They’re also hard to cuddle up to. Can you imagine little Cindy-Lou Whoo down in Whooville, staring wistfully at a Christmas tree full of curly-queued, migraine-causing, occasionally dimming, mercury-wheezing, Big-government-and-corporate-mandated lights?

Who needs a Grinch?

Who, by-the-way never seemed to have a job, in spite of his posh mountain-side villa, monster sled, and all-purpose, reindeer-impersonating dog.

And the Grinch didn’t have to die, get cremated, nothing!

Hey, I can be a mean one!