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Thursday, August 1, 2013

The Thirty-Seven Reasons I Never Had Children

It’s surprising how many times I’m asked why I never had kids. I’m inclined to check their pupils and ask if they have any more of the medication they must be on. I’m told that’s not polite, so instead I’ve compiled this list of reasons (in no particular order,) for those who might be curious – or might be thinking of starting a family.

1) Changing diapers – I mean that’s the obvious guy response; I might as well get it out there first.

2) I don’t want to share my toys.

3) The smell of spoiled milk and vomit in friend’s cars.

4) What exactly, is tender and loving about having a woman you adore torn open by a parasite?

5) Difficulty finding a woman I adore enough to have her torn open by a parasite.

6) Glasses, braces, camp, uniforms, allowance, emergency room visits, broken windows, broken bicycles, two hundred dollar must-have sneakers, car insurance, car repair, COLLEGE TUITION!

7) Murphy’s law states that children will automatically gravitate to the type of music most likely to annoy their parents.

8) I don’t want to hear myself say, “because I said so.”

9) Toddlers most want to cuddle when their nose is running and your shirt is clean.

10) When I was born, Father Knows Best was a hit. Now every TV dad is a moron.

11) When I tell somebody “it couldn’t have been my child,” I know I’m not lying.

12) Not a lot of faith that the clowns we elect will leave much of a country/world for my kids to live in.

13) Fear that my imaginary friends will run off with their imaginary friends. Oh c’mon! Don’t give me that, “you need help,” look. I see it all the time in the mirror.

14) That moment when they realize I don’t know everything.

15) Getting beat at video games.

16) After hours of frustration, being told by an eleven-year-old, “sure I know how to work (fill in high tech device.) A baby could do it.”

17) Being judged for my fashion sense.

18) That look in their eye when they first feel betrayed.

19) Trying to explain to a six-year-old why the pet died.

20) Trying to convince a two-year-old that lima beans are good by eating two helpings – yuck!

21) Tonka makes wimpy trucks compared to what I had in the sixties.

22) Schools and quacks trying to medicate discipline.

23) It’s no longer safe to let a kid ride their bike all over the neighborhood from breakfast to dinner.

24) Being the bad guy when my kids want something that isn’t good for them.

25) I can’t afford to buy them a pony.

26) Shopping mall Santas creep me out.

27) “Some assembly required.”

28) Did I mention projectile vomit?
29) I’ve seen what happens to Dad when little Timmy gets a paper route.

30) The terrible twos.

31) “Whatever.”

32) (Girl specific) Boys - two years older.

33) (Boy specific) Having to admit, “I’ve got nothing,” when he asks about girls.

34) Seeing them leave home.

35) Knowing how old I look in their eyes.

36) Having to go through all that again when they have kids


37) Because only someone without kids can say to stressed parents, “You know what works with kids is…”

   Oh, and then there's this video,