I’ve
just entered birthday season. Starting March 5, and into the middle
of May, a huge % of the significant people in my life have their
birthdays. I wrote this tribute to one of them 12 years ago.
Happy
Birthday
by
Headley Hauser
An old friend of mine is having a birthday. I
haven’t seen her for twenty years and it’s unlikely I will in the
near future, but I still want to wish her a happy birthday. When I
survey our culture’s offerings of birthday greetings, I find we
really have only one: the birthday song. You know the one that wants
to charge people a royalty every time they sing it: the song that has
no other lyric than Happy Birthday to you and a dear so and so in the
third line? (Actually, I think the dear so in so is a later edition.
I believe the original lyric is nothing more than Happy Birthday to
you repeated four times.) Now I could be accused of foisting drivel
on society, but I think if I wrote a lyric that consisted of happy
birthday to you four times, I might not be so quick to claim royalty
credit.
Then again, these people are getting rich off the
song.
I would like to announce (in a very legally binding
way)
the following lyrics.- Happy Christmas day to you (repeat four times)
- Happy Saint Patrick’s day to you (repeat four times)
- Happy Arbor Day to you (repeat 3 times, insert an instrumental bridge from Iron Butterfly and close with Happy Arbor Day to you)
- And, just to be safe: Happy (insert any and all holidays declared or recognized by the greeting card industry – except birthday) to you (repeat four times).
There are volumes of Christmas carols, Thanksgiving
hymns, and even New Years songs out there. Why are we stuck with
only one birthday song – and a crappy one at that?
Why does our
single birthday song rhyme you with itself three times? Is “you”
so hard to find rhymes for? I eschew the snafu that to imbue a rhyme
for you would ensue in a switcheroo of hue to a taboo milieu. I knew
that to pursue such a true bugaboo that I need not construe with the
IQ of a guru. So I subdue and spew that mildew residue goo. (Did
you view the debut of a tattoo I drew anew of a bamboo horseshoe I
threw from Honshu?)
(All right,
enough of that pooh.)
There are sufficient rhymes for “you” and
sufficient diversity of people out there, that we should have myriad
birthday songs specialized to various interest groups.
For cheese lovers:
Happy Birthday to you
May your mold all be blue
May all of your troubles
First be dipped in fondue
To mystery fans:
Happy Birthday to you
To our favorite gumshoe
When you’re missing your car keys
May you soon get a clue
To Shirley McLaine fans:
Happy Birthdays to you
As past lives you review
With the latest book from Shirley
That’s just like the last two
Or even to Francophiles (if there still are any):
Happy Birthday a vous
Now we must say adieu
You’ll look a year older
When we next rendezvous
The point is to strive for diversity, creativity and
royalty avoidance. To make birthdays, once again, something of
which, to be proud.
Now if I can just get this stupid tune out of my
head.
This video is from the greatest episode of the old Mary
Tyler Moore Show. Granted, it’s missing something without the
context.
You want the context? Okay, here’s the whole ep.
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