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Thursday, October 30, 2014

Annoying Things


“It’s the cucumbers! Ha-ha-ha!!!”
Get it? I don’t either. I got so tired of thinking up (and forgetting) funny stuff when I was just dropping off to sleep that I finally broke down and put a pen and paper by my pallet. So… according to my semi-conscious self, the humor of cucumbers (like inalienable rights) should be self-evident.
I’m beginning to think that the reason my semi-conscious self never got promoted to fully-conscious status is that he’s an idiot.
And annoying.
When you get down to it - it’s not the plane crashes, heart attacks, Ebola, and poisonous cobras that get in the way of enjoying life for most of us. It’s the little things – such as...
Insects
Gnats, mosquitoes, cockroaches, spider webs you walk through, horseflies, houseflies, tiny ants, no-see-ums, ticks, bugs of any description that – get in your bed, get in your food, fly in your mouth, eat holes in your clothes, have hundreds of babies, become parasites, bite, sting, wriggle under your clothes, buzz (especially at night when you’re in bed.)
Non-Life-Threatening Health Stuff
Hiccups, cramps (both muscle and that ‘other’ kind,) presbyopia, tinnitus, gas, B.O.,
Entertainment
Reality TV, rap, country, award shows, PBS programs that have 3 minutes of non-commercials for large corporations before they guilt you for money for their commercial-free broadcasting,
Commercials that honk, buzz, ring like a telephone, scream, repeat several times in one show, are twice as loud as the program you’re watching/listening to, feature people that sound stupid, pushy, arrogant, like they never learned how to speak, bathe, dress, relate to adults.
And the following performers – Diane Keaton, Ben Stiller, Queen Latifa, Sharon Stone, Jim Belushi, Glen Close, Chris Tucker, and Nicolas Cage. They should spend the next 20 years making a 250 hour monster movie and title it: A Movie You Need to Miss.
Interaction with People
People that – hack, sniffle, get too close, speak too loud, speak too softly, speak with an artificial accent, speak with food in their mouths, tilt their heads back so you have to look up their nose, or hunch over so you have to look at their dirty hair. People that stare at your – crotch, chest, pimple, birthmark, thinning hair, or at a point in space approximately three inches from your head.
Products
Products that advertise themselves as new and improved when the change is that they are more expensive and in smaller packaging. Food products that look, or smell so good that you buy them and they taste horrid. Then you forget a few months later and buy them again. Products with fancy European-sounding names that are made in chemical plants in New Jersey.
Bottled tap water that costs two dollars and tastes like plastic.
Computer operating systems that know better than you, and randomly open aps while you’re writing your blog. Pop-up ads that require a dialog box to close. When you hit that it’s okay to close the ad – are you also agreeing to let them download more pop-up ads?
Situations
Weddings.
A neighbor’s celebration of their obnoxious child graduating 3rd grade (and they expect you to congratulate the brat and bring a gift.) A waiting room where the only seat is between a political or religious zealot and a screaming toddler. A waiting room where they have interesting magazines, but also a TV blaring reruns of Maude so loudly that you can’t concentrate on what you’re reading.
Any situation involving reruns of Maude.
Weather
Deceivingly bright sunshine that warms the area around your front door, so you leave your home in a tee shirt and freeze for the rest of the day.
Sleet. Sleet has no redeeming qualities. I have yet to meet a sleet enthusiast.
And Finally…

Long lists of annoying things.
Sorry

Here's a little kid learning all about annoying - Dad's no help either.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Halloween Babies

Back in my tricycle days, when I wasn't dodging dinosaurs, I looked forward to the October I would be allowed to cross the street on my own.  That meant trick or treating, and getting a costume.  Nobody I knew put costumes on babies and toddlers - they can't carry much candy, after all.
Times have changed.  Most of the baby costumes are cute.


That's right, kid - might as well get used to having things loaded on your back
They picked this baby out of the garden
Wise, I am
I don't think there's a real person in that costume
I've got nothing
Some are elaborate - Do people still work?
Took me a minute
This one took me a minute and a half
This one I got right away - but does it fly?
In addition to all the cuteness - there are a few disturbing trends I'm picking up on.
Parents - are you really in a big hurry for them to get facial hair and tats?

Maybe these are around for the biker babies to bully?
I'm pretty sure this is child abuse.
But even more disturbing is the theme of baby as food item.
This one is subtle - older child elephant - baby - peanut
But even WORSE, is the combination parent-child baby food item costume.
Baker and cupcake - not terribly bad
Sebastian and cook - well, at least there's a cute song that goes with it.
Oh, the HUMANITY!
Here's one that seems Okay - until you find out what it is.
The H1N1 virus...
I'm not a big fan of cute - but maybe it's time to go back to...
Or we may screw these kids up so much - they won't be able to work and pay for our social security.  The next thing you know...
The Fat Baby Sings

A little Halloween shopping.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Knowing the Time in the Post-Historic Era




So I have a friend who is a survivalist – or maybe he’s a Latter Day Saint, I get confused. At any rate, he’s like an apocalyptic boy scout – all about being prepared. He talked to me about storing food, weapons, ammo, medicine. Then he mentioned what would happen if an EMP exploded.
EMP?”
Electro-Magnetic Pulse.”
Oh, I said slightly relieved. I always considered EMP as an abbreviation for employees. I had envisioned an EMP explosion resulting in my fellow workers at Amalgamated Monster and I transformed into drippy bits on the wall.
All the machines would stop, he told me. Then he showed me his watch. “See that?” he said. “It’s a wind-up. Everybody else’s watch would stop, but mine would keep working.”
The next day I’m talking to Stanley McFarland. I’d forgotten all about the assault weapons and dehydrated banana chips.
I have to get a wind-up watch,” I told him.
Why?”
In case an employee, I mean EMP blows up.”
You mean Electro-Magnetic Pulse?”
Yeah.”
You know what an EMP explosion usually means, don’t you?”
I nodded my head, though I didn't have a clue.
It means,” he told me, “that a nuclear bomb is going off.”
The picture of drippy bits on the wall returned. “I knew that,” I lied. “Where’s a good place to get a wind-up watch?”
That night I had a dream.

I was a wimpy version of either Arnold Schwarzenegger or (a less anti-Semitic) Mel Gibson in a post apocalyptic world. The survivors huddle around the purple and green bonfire consuming unassembled Scandinavian furniture. Each individual must present his or her merit in order to join the new caveman tribe.
I have a shotgun and thirty rounds,” says a rotund woman. There are grunts of approval from around the fire.
I have the Mountain Man Guide to Surviving Outdoors,” says a skinny guy with reading glasses to more approving grunts.
We have a case of double-stuffed Oreo cookies that are hardly glowing at all!” says a little girl with her bother in tow. The grunts are deafening.
Proudly, I hold up my wrist. “I know what time it is!” I shout.
I experience a disappointing lack of grunt volume.
And I have a pocket calendar. I’ll know the exact day and time to move back an hour in the Fall and ahead in the Spring!”
They say you always wake up before you die in a dream, so I’m not sure what the tribe decided. I was tied to a spit and lying pretty close to the fire before I woke up.
That might not be so good.

I’m still getting the watch. Digital watches just don’t tick with that reassuring, analog conviction. And if I forget to wind it – I’ll just leave it at a few seconds before midnight.

Ah the good old days - back again!

Monday, October 20, 2014

Jack the Magic Pumpkin

Maybe we have too much time on our hands...  Back in my day - nearly every jackolantern looked like this.
I say nearly because the ones I carved tended to look more like -
But suddenly, that's not good enough.  Jackolanterns have replaced Cadillacs and trophy wives in the search for status in modern suburbia.  Now these abused pumpkins must make a statement.  What's interesting is what statement they make.
Of course you have the traditional scary theme - though more skillfully rendered than my 'many holes of death' effort above.
Cannibalism is always a good choice.
Is this even a pumpkin?
Didn't I see this one on Scobby Doo?
Is the horror that he's trapped in a pumpkin - or that he's getting out?
Here's a Jack Jackolantern.  Red Rum.
Here's a whole tableau.  I wonder how many pumpkins they ruined cutting that hanging rope.

Some eschew (not sure what that word means, but I've always wanted to use it,) the horror theme and just concentrate on the art.
I suppose if you were a 10th century Britain this would be scary.
Oh No!  It's a Washington DC based sports franchise!
Sometimes the art goes overboard.
A plant mascaraing as a... different plant.
Do you have a job to go to?
Have you slept since August?
Have you even stopped to poop this month?

The cutesy theme has been involved in Halloween ever since we agreed to give toddlers candy - but maybe it's time to turn it down a notch.
No, really - it's the carousel from hell!  Look at the angry ponies!
I still don't know who this ubiquitous Hello Kitty is - but maybe it's time to put her in a shelter.
What do you bet some 7-year-old smashes this 15 hours of work with his light saber?

The rest of these came because FB friend SDN posted this theme this morning - Honest I was going to do jackolanterns anyway!   Is it nostalgia, or are the retired hippies looking for something to do?  How did this become a Halloween theme?
That's right - the micro-bus.
Guaranteed to break down.
Especially on the way to beach.
Or if you we silly enough to attach a trailer.

Now we come to the two scariest of them all.
I've got none to spare - put down that spoon!
The rabbit or Caerbannog.  Where's a holy hand grenade when you need one?

Here's a Halloween appropriate video from the people of College Humor