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Tuesday, July 7, 2015

The Secrets of Youngests

There are so many conspiracies out there that I have nothing to do with, so it's nice to have one where I'm on the inside - in the know - initiated. Even if it means I blow the cover for youngest children world-wide, well, what can I say?
I'm a youngest. We're inherently irresponsible.
Those of you who are youngest children can go back to driving your older sib's car and bringing it back with no gas, or blowing off a job interview to enter a Galaga tournament.
 You know all this stuff. For you older, only, or middles, I'm about to confirm what you've suspected for years.
We do all this stuff that drives you crazy - ON PURPOSE!
It's all in the handbook - The Youngest Child Handbook, available in used book stores and tatoo parlors across the country.
Now at this point some responsible, well-educated, hard-working first-born is saying to himself or to the other members of his masonic organization, "that's not true. 
 I go into used book stores frequently to look for rare first editions. I've never seen this Youngest Child Handbook."
Meanwhile some middle is getting really pissed that his younger sibling has been hiding this bit of information all this time (on top of always eating the last of the left-over dessert each night, and NEVER getting in trouble for it.)
Only children are just shrugging their shoulders and saying, "This isn't about me? Who cares?"
While I have no response to the only child, and on principle never say anything useful to a middle, I can deal with the first-born's objection.
We hide the handbooks from you responsible types. We do it so well that not a single one of the billions of first-borns throughout the history of the planet has ever found one of our handbooks.
How is this possible, you ask? While it's true that first-borns are usually the CEOs of corporations, small used book stores and tattoo parlors are frequently owned by youngests.
 Even those establishments that are not, are usually staffed by them. Now that running away to the circus is less of an option than it was a century ago, video game arcades, bowling alleys, tattoo parlors, pizza delivery outlets and used book stores are the only places that look to hire us youngests. Generations of doing balloon animals, amateur magic, and awesome air guitar have trained us youngests to rapidly remove and hide
(some times up a sleeve,)
shelves of Youngest Child Handbooks whenever a neatly coiffed first-born is spotted.

I bet that really bugs you superior control-freaks. I don't mean that to sound harsh. We youngests generally love first-borns. They take us in when Mom and Dad get tired of us, and many youngests wouldn't even be here if first-borns hadn't kept middles from smothering us in our cradles.
So what exactly is in the Youngest Child Handbook other than ways of mooching off of first-borns and annoying middles? Just the standard stuff about secret middle-of-the-night parties in secluded woods with unicorn races and faerie dances.
Why else did you think we slept till noon?
"How come we don't get to ride unicorns and dance with fairies?" complains the middle.

Like I said - it's all in the handbook.


   And now - equal time for middles - their favorite saying.