Our
Brothers of Mercy
(Mercy, Mercy, won’t they please shut up?)
It has been pointed out to me that with the inductions of Douglas
Adams and Christopher Moore into the HHHH (Headley Hauser Hall of
Hawnor) (link 1 link 2) that there’s been a disturbingly positive
tone to Just Plain Stupid lately. After all – I need to maintain a
reputation as a sarcastic (not sardonic – I’m not Australian
enough to be sardonic,) snarky kind of guy.
Fair point.
In addressing this, I would like to offer my first nominating class
for Our Brothers of Mercy Monastery for People Who Really Need to
Take a Vow of Silence and Get Out of the Public Eye. Unfortunately,
O.B.o.M.M.f.P.W.R.N.t.T.a.V.o.S.a.G.O.o.t.P.E looks too much like an
eye chart gone horizontal, so I’ll just call our novitiates
Brothers of Mercy or B.M.s for short.
There are so many B.M.s out there. I could never in one blog post
rid the world of all them in Hollywood, Music, Sports, Media,
and Trivia. To compartmentalize the task I intend to nominate
novitiates (or novelize nominees?) by class, and today’s class is
male actors.
Today’s special people who need to go away are:
1) Jim Belushi: This is a man so sensitive that when a coworker
asked an autograph for a sick child was told, “I thought you were
going to get me a blow job – you’re worse than my second
ex-wife.” He never signed the autograph.
When journalist Bob Woodward wrote a serious, well-researched book
about the death of Jim’s brother John, the surviving Belushi
pushed his way past Woodward’s secretary, trashed the writer’s
office, and proudly announced, “tell that ***** I was here.”
If his brother hadn’t been famous, Jim might have one of those
unpleasant people you see doing mundane tasks for small amounts of
money – easily avoided and ignored. Instead, we can’t watch one
of the major networks without fear of seeing one of his promos.
You can smoke your cigars at the monastery, Jim – anything to keep
your mouth shut.
2) Denis Leary: Leary reminds me of the foul-mouthed shrimp in
Junior High that thought he was tough because none of the bigger kids
wanted a trip to the principal’s office for hurting the helpless.
You know the type; he brags that he’s ready to take on the world
and then cries when one of the girls throws an eraser at him. I
wouldn’t be surprised if Drew Carey or Paul Reubens have stuffed
him into a locker somewhere.
Leary not only sings about being an ***hole; he stole the song from
another comedian. At least his rant about parents of autistic
children was his own work.
Don’t worry, Denis – there won’t be any autistic kids to beat
you up at the monastery.
3) James Woods: When he’s not using twitter to send flames to the
president or cutsie endearments to his 20-year-old druggie
girlfriend, 66-year-old James Woods is busy playing characters you
want to punch in the nose.
But AARP would sue me for punching someone your age, James, and your
girlfriend might hit me with her teddy-bear or her crack pipe – so
off to the monastery with you.
Dishonorable Mention: Sean Penn. We’ll give him a pass. He
suffered enough when he was married to Madonna, and unlike the three
above – he can act.
It’s a good beginning, but there are many more B.M.s out there.
Stay tuned.
For today's video, here's a guy riding a one-wheeled motorcycle. I have no idea if he's a jerk like these other guys, but I hope he is because this ride doesn't end well.
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