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Thursday, April 24, 2014

Our Brothers of Mercy

Our Brothers of Mercy
(Mercy, Mercy, won’t they please shut up?)
It has been pointed out to me that with the inductions of Douglas Adams and Christopher Moore into the HHHH (Headley Hauser Hall of Hawnor) (link 1 link 2) that there’s been a disturbingly positive tone to Just Plain Stupid lately. After all – I need to maintain a reputation as a sarcastic (not sardonic – I’m not Australian enough to be sardonic,) snarky kind of guy.
Fair point.
In addressing this, I would like to offer my first nominating class for Our Brothers of Mercy Monastery for People Who Really Need to Take a Vow of Silence and Get Out of the Public Eye. Unfortunately, O.B.o.M.M.f.P.W.R.N.t.T.a.V.o.S.a.G.O.o.t.P.E looks too much like an eye chart gone horizontal, so I’ll just call our novitiates Brothers of Mercy or B.M.s for short.
There are so many B.M.s out there. I could never in one blog post rid the world of all them in Hollywood, Music, Sports, Media, and Trivia. To compartmentalize the task I intend to nominate novitiates (or novelize nominees?) by class, and today’s class is male actors.
Today’s special people who need to go away are:
1) Jim Belushi: This is a man so sensitive that when a coworker asked an autograph for a sick child was told, “I thought you were going to get me a blow job – you’re worse than my second ex-wife.” He never signed the autograph.
When journalist Bob Woodward wrote a serious, well-researched book about the death of Jim’s brother John, the surviving Belushi pushed his way past Woodward’s secretary, trashed the writer’s office, and proudly announced, “tell that ***** I was here.”
If his brother hadn’t been famous, Jim might have one of those unpleasant people you see doing mundane tasks for small amounts of money – easily avoided and ignored. Instead, we can’t watch one of the major networks without fear of seeing one of his promos.
You can smoke your cigars at the monastery, Jim – anything to keep your mouth shut.
2) Denis Leary: Leary reminds me of the foul-mouthed shrimp in Junior High that thought he was tough because none of the bigger kids wanted a trip to the principal’s office for hurting the helpless. You know the type; he brags that he’s ready to take on the world and then cries when one of the girls throws an eraser at him. I wouldn’t be surprised if Drew Carey or Paul Reubens have stuffed him into a locker somewhere.

Leary not only sings about being an ***hole; he stole the song from another comedian. At least his rant about parents of autistic children was his own work.
Don’t worry, Denis – there won’t be any autistic kids to beat you up at the monastery.
3) James Woods: When he’s not using twitter to send flames to the president or cutsie endearments to his 20-year-old druggie girlfriend, 66-year-old James Woods is busy playing characters you want to punch in the nose.
Sure, some actors like Richard Kiel or Christopher Lee are born to play bad guys. The thing about Woods is that even when he’s playing the good guy, you want to punch him in the nose. If Woods played the part of Pope John Paul II, I would want to punch the soon-to-be-sainted pontiff in the nose. When an actor brings out this pugilistic feeling from his audience in every role he plays, you must conclude that he has a nose desperately in need of pummeling.
But AARP would sue me for punching someone your age, James, and your girlfriend might hit me with her teddy-bear or her crack pipe – so off to the monastery with you.
Dishonorable Mention: Sean Penn. We’ll give him a pass. He suffered enough when he was married to Madonna, and unlike the three above – he can act.

It’s a good beginning, but there are many more B.M.s out there. Stay tuned.

For today's video, here's a guy riding a one-wheeled motorcycle.  I have no idea if he's a jerk like these other guys, but I hope he is because this ride doesn't end well.