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Sunday, August 31, 2014

Stubs 2 Berserk D’Sorbet

Stubs (see last post) don’t just pile up in my story pick up file. They also accumulate in my unfinished post file. Here are a few random snippets that never grew up into real posts.
(Which doesn’t mean they won’t someday.)

I've come to the conclusion that the baby boom generation will never be considered venerable or wise. We're just a silly generation - a roving era of flibbity gibbets; addicted to fads from the early days of hula hoops all the way to Viagra. All my life, whatever age I attain, it will be considered the age of silly people.
Oh well, no biggie.


I know I broke up with you, but I need you to do me a favor.”
I need you to get tested. I’ll pay for it.”
You see my new boyfriend thinks I gave it to him, but if you don’t have it, then I can prove he gave it to me.”

How do you want your coffee?” asked the waitress sweetly
Black!” answered the middle-aged man as if the possibility that he might like flavor involved in his breakfast beverage was a personal assault.
Considering his attitude, why was he so surprised that his Belgian waffle was covered in baking soda instead of powdered sugar?
Excuse 483
Sorry I’m a little late, Boss
I came the other way
No, I don’t mean the side roads
I wanted to avoid the sun in my eyes
So I went west instead of east
The extra 8000 miles takes longer than you’d think

Then there that Pacific thing.
It’s a good thing I had my Yugo treated to float like a 72 bug
because the bridge must have been out.

Swiss cheese and I are tight
by Headley Hauser

Some bonds often
Are closer than all others
And Swiss Cheese binds me
So close it nearly smothers
Parting such intimates
Is a Herculean feat
Swiss cheese keeps me closer
To everything I eat
So if your meals are celebrations
Of togetherness and bliss
Forget the prunes and fiber
And eat the cheese that’s Swiss

Particle board is wood in the same way that vomit is food.

Wise Ass Beer – it doesn't make you smarter when you drink it – it just makes you think you are.
(Wise-Ass Beer Company, Hudson, Mass – drink responsibly)

What I’d Like to Hear in a Post-Game Interview
Interview: So it was a much closer game than most imagined it would be. Is this a moral victory for you?
Player: Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam, do the jitterbug down in Muskrat land.
Interview: I’m sorry?
Player: I forgive you.
Interview: Right… so when did you feel the momentum turn against you?
Player: And they jiggle, and they start to giggle.
Interview: Look – I’m asking questions about the game. Why are you giving me lines from a Captain and Tennille song?
Player: Because Muskrat Love is the most stupid-ass song ever, and if you insist on asking me stupid-ass questions – that’s what you’re gonna get.

Here's a video that shows why cats don't work in child care.