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Thursday, August 7, 2014

Things That Don’t Work on a Stupid Blog


So it’s late on a Wednesday night and I’ve got a blog post due in 8 hours. I could use something one of my helpful colleagues at Go Figure Reads offered, or I could try to come up with something new.
But so far – all I can think of is stuff that won’t work. Stuff like…
Traffic Safety
I’ve never seen anything intentionally funny on traffic safety. When I was in school (and especially in Driver’s Ed,) I saw plenty of film strips that were hilarious about traffic safety, but none of them were intended to be. Our Driver’s Ed teacher, Mr. Dripple was perhaps one of the most amusing people I’ve ever met. His class was like a Steven Wright monolog, and he made the best noises when I drove the training vehicle.
But none of it was intentional. Traffic safety is just not a funny subject.
Congress
I know that late night comedians have a wonderful time with congress and politics in general, but all I can think of is the small army of immaculately dressed porters on the Titanic, elegantly keeping the lounge chairs in place as the ship sinks.
Kim Kardasian and Kanye West
While I’m certain that funny stuff about this couple is abundant, I am unable to share it. I’m certain because every time I’m in the checkout line, I see their photos staring at me from just above the Skittles. The reason I can’t share it is for better or worse, I installed a personal news filter on this engaging couple that’s been so effective that I can’t even tell you why they’re famous.
There has to be a reason – right?
Muslim Extremism
Actually – there is tons of hilarious material on this subject. I had a hundred and twenty thousand word novel written entitled, To Allah, With Love. It was far funnier than Trouble in Taos link and Volition Man link combined. I sent it off to my friend Salman Rushdie who agreed it was first rate comedy, but then he listed the body parts I would lose for publishing it.
Perhaps not.
Gourmet Cooking
You really should know something about a subject before you write about it.
Baby Prince George
I’m of the opinion that if all members of the royal family remained barely ambulatory and pre-verbal, that Britain’s movement to dump the royals would die in a great cascade of cuteness.
But just like his grandfather, the royal baby is not really funny.
Sex?
Yeah… See Gourmet Cooking.
Blogging
So here I am on an even later Wednesday night, just finishing a post on the least appropriate subject of all – writing a blog post. As someone I didn’t bother to Google once said, “It’s like sausage; focus on the product, not how it’s made.”


Here’s a bit from Steven Wright. What a Driver’s Ed instructor he would have made!