1) I’ve watched Miracle on 34th Street. The Postal Service knows their stuff.
2) Ralphie got his bb-gun, didn’t he?
3) The sugar plums may be gone, but their fruit flies are still dancing in my head.
4) Somebody had to teach pirates that ho-ho-ho thing.
5) My neighbor claims he winged him once skeet shooting.
6) Mrs. Claus is a serious babe! I know that’s not a reason, but I’m just sayin’.
7) 1.3 billion Muslims can’t be wrong… Say what?... Okay, my bad on that one.
8) Somebody keeps eating my Christmas cookies.
9) MIB (Men in Black) derives from MIR - his corps of elite elves tracking down delinquent misfit toys.
10) There’s festive red and green mold growing on my tile grout.
11) Santa’s a man that’s 150 pounds overweight who constantly eats cookies and candy and drinks eggnog. He exercises only one day a year, and is hundreds of years old. He represents the hope held by many lazy middle-aged Americans that the AMA is full of crap.
12) Will Ferrell has never lied to me.
13) The Tick Loves Santa.
14) That bag of flaming reindeer poop he left at my door.
15) According to WikiLeaks, last year the NSA seized Santa’s “he knows when you are sleeping; he knows when you’re awake; he knows when you’ve been bad or good” files.
16) Hanukkah Harry.
17) I just saw him outside the mall yesterday.
18) Who else do you think delivers all those presents? The Tooth Fairy can barely lift a dollar coin.
19) Mr. Adam’s garden gnomes say there are consequences for Santa doubters.
What’s that you say? That’s only 19? What are you, the Christmas blog fact-checker? Number 20 doesn’t need any words from me.