November was an odd month. It was a mixture of accomplishments, disasters, and lassitude (I sure hope that means what I think it means.) I finished a series of stories, we got a particularly monstrous new boss at Amalgamated Monster, and I avoided blogging while posting excerpts from TNT
Now it’s December. I need to start making up stuff again to put in this blog, and I’ve forgotten how.
I shared my problem with my co-worker, Nick as we did our utmost to do as little as possible and to avoid our new boss, Frederick the Bloody.
No - not that one
offered trivia from the book he was reading, 1001Facts That Will Scare the S**t Out of You by Cary McNeal. McNeal (and Nick’s) taste seem to run to the grotesque, but as I had nothing else, I said, “shoot.”
1) One pound of FDA approved peanut butter may contain up to150 bug fragments and 5 rodent hairs.
“That’ll go good in your blog,” said Nick.
“Thank goodness they don’t tell us what’s in SPAM.”
2) Stomach acid can dissolve a razor blade in less than a week.
I looked at Nick to see if he was expecting me to put this particular fact to the test. This is why I never sign up for those medical studies they keep advertising for.
3) The human liver performs 500 different functions. You can remove a portion and the remainder will not only still work, but rapidly re-grow the missing part.
“That could be helpful,” said Nick.
“So hypothetically,” I said, “you could remove say, a third of your liver, and have it do your taxes, change the oil in your car, clean the fridge, and 497 other things you don’t like to do. Then when it dies off from missing out on all the liver-oriented goodies your body produces, you’ve grown a new third of a liver to take its place.”
“As long as it doesn’t unionize,” said Nick. Amalgamated Monster – union-free since Andrew Carnegie and the Pinkertons killed the organizers in 1892. And you thought there was nothing to learn here.
4) Finger holes in loaner bowling balls (presumably found in bowling alleys and not… never mind,) have substantial fecal contamination.
“Fe-cal is not an abbreviation for Iron calories,” Nick supplied. “You’ll note that neither the AMA, nor the PBA endorses licking loaner bowling ball finger holes to alleviate mineral deficiencies.”
“I’ll be sure to mention it,” I told him.
5) China has a word for death by overwork. It’s guolaos.
Nick and I stared at fact number five and cross-checked the latest issue of Amalgamated Monster Digest(ion.) Frederick the Bloody’s last name was Guolaosi. Neither one of us was surprised.
So it looks like a dreadful December here at Amalgamated Monster. Cary McNeal’s festive grotesqueries add the perfect compliment to our beloved corporation’s suspiciously blood-red holiday décor.
Just when you thought it was safe to leave the South Pole.