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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Me and THE LAW Part One

I’d like to offer thanks to those who suggested other Adams’ to be inducted to HHHH (see last post.) While I see some merit in the candidacy of 
Scott Adams, 
Don Adams, 
Charles Addams, 
Adam Sandler, 
Adam West, 
and even that gregarious ex-president John Quincy Adams, I wonder what the person who suggested 
Adam’s Apple was thinking.
Your views are under consideration.
But I have other things on my mind right now.
My clothes are in the laundry along with the towel I needed from that extra shower. You see, I had a little accident.
I wasn’t nervous 
just paranoid.
I got a letter from the sheriff’s department. The first time I got a letter from the law, I went into low level fight or flight mode. Am I the only one who worries about this stuff? I figure it’s just a matter of time before the powers-that-be send me up the river for a forgotten library book, or for calling Jenny Frasier bad names when I was five.
But I knew what this was, because I’ve now lived in the state of North Carolina for several years.
The state of North Carolina (along with others as I understand it,) charges sales tax for any car you own – every year. I moved to NC for NY (a state that loves a good tax,) and brought with me my old and much-abused Suzuki Speck (so small you don’t need to park it – just put it in your pocket.) The following year, I get a sales tax bill for my Speck.
"But I didn’t buy this car in North Carolina.”
That doesn’t matter.”
I paid sales tax for it when I bought it.”
That doesn’t matter.”
It’s already paid off.”
That doesn’t matter.”
Alright – so once I pay sales tax here, I’ll only have to pay registration each year?”
No, you’ll have to pay sales tax on your vehicle every year.”
Why?”
Because you don’t matter.”
They say that life forms that are abused regularly (horses, dogs, political prisoners, postal employees) begin to feel they deserve it after a while and accept it. When I got my letter from the Sheriff’s department this month, I didn’t even vomit or pee my pants with fear and shock. After pulling myself out of hiding behind the large bush next to my mail box, I opened my letter to see how much I needed to pay to repurchase my 22yo car this year.
That’s when I vomited and peed my pants – not to mention falling into a pile of… something in the middle of the large bush next to my mail box.
JURY DUTY

What’s the big deal? I’ll tell you in Me and THE LAW Part Two.

Unless I get this guy...

Monday, January 27, 2014

HHHH Induction Douglas Adams

So what is HHHH you ask? It is the Headley Hauser Hall of Honor (honor is pronounced HAWNor to make it sound cool.) At the risk of stepping on the toes of my sensei, Robin Chalkley and his master blog - , I decided that – even from my perspective – there are great things in America (and those other countries out there.) There are certain people I admire – who have helped change me from a quiet disgusting low-life to a loud obnoxious disgusting low-life. These few – these happy few have set a pattern of excellence in their creative endeavors that I daily try to emulate, and hence soil their reputations.
And so, for the first inductee in the HHHH – I give you (though he’s not really mine to give anyone – especially considering his current circumstances,)
Douglas Adams
Douglas Adams could rightly be listed among our greatest living writers if not for two glaring omissions – one he’s not living, and two he wasn't really that hot when you think about it.
But he was damned funny (and I don’t mean that in an eternal judgement type of way.)

When Adams was in High School he had ambitions to be John Cleese. After all, he was tall enough and thought he was clever. Indeed, many of his schoolmates commented on how tall he was. During his early radio career he managed to meet John Cleese who informed him that the position was taken. Adams was crestfallen, but these radio shows led to his five volume Hitchhiker’s Guide trilogy for which he is best known – so it wasn’t a total loss.

He also wrote other piddling stuff like the two Dirk Gently novels and (together with John Lloyd – whoever that is,) the two Meaning of Liff books which are hardly worth your time to consider.


If he were alive today, Adams might claim that these non-Hitchhiker works are under-rated.
Just as well he’s not around.
Adams died in 2001 at an age seven years younger than I am today, which puts him in the ever-increasing class of people that make me feel inferior. Such feeling aside, I have repeatedly felt free to steal the forms of shtick and humor he pioneered, which will become increasing evident if Go Figure Reads gets around to producing the Genre manuscripts I've given them.
And so, for being a comic genius incapable (due to the death thing,) of complaining when I rip him off, Douglas Adams is the inaugural member of the dead guys wing of the Headley Hauser Hall of Honor.
Selected Quotations

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.”

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped there wasn't an afterlife.”

He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and na├»ve incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”


Humans are not proud of their ancestors and rarely invite them round to dinner.”

Here's a vid someone posted this week Douglas would have liked (at least he hasn't said he didn't.)

Thursday, January 23, 2014

In The News


I’m no fan of the news. I don’t need reporters to get me depressed, but two items filtered through to me this week.
The first is the results of a study on brain function. According to… whoever they are, older brains slow down and memory lapses happen for the exact reason old people have claimed since Oog forgot where he left his club. 
 The brain gets too crammed with stuff. The more useless crap you commit to memory, the less space you have for new memories and concepts.
My New Year’s resolution is to forget everything I ever knew about 
Kim Kardashian
Justin Bieber
Ben Affleck
Jennifer Lopez
Donald Trump
and my 12th grade French teacher.
That ought to free up enough space for a few more blog entries.
The second news bit is more disturbing.
Major League Baseball has decided to institute manager challenges into their expanded instant replay policy.
Why, you might ask (if you hadn’t already deleted it from your memory,) does that disturb me? After all, with manager challenges many of the injustices of the past (such as the non-call of interference against Ed Armbruster of the Reds in Game Three of the ’75 World Series,) might never have happened. 
 There’d be fewer angry outbursts (such as I had at my 12th grade French teacher the day after Game Three of the ’75 World Series.) Players and fans would have lower blood pressure, fewer stains from thrown beer and hotdogs, and everyone would hold hands during the 7th inning stretch and sing, Kumbaya.
See what I mean? Yup, baseball will be truly boring if they go ahead with this.
Worst of all, the best thing about baseball will disappear entirely.
Your fondest baseball memory might be a home run by your favorite player, a perfect game by your favorite pitcher, or the World Series getting over so they stopped pre-empting your favorite Donald Trump, Kim Kardashian or Jennifer Lopez related reality show. My favorite memories are of 
Tommy Lasorda
Billy Martin
Lou Piniella
or the master of them all - Earl Weaver going nose-to-nose with the umpire, maybe kicking some dirt, and blowing a neck vein before being ejected from the game.
That’s entertainment.
Sadly, all we have to look forward to now… is the game.  When the manager disagrees - he yawns and throws a red flag.
Kinda slow, huh?

Well, at least you won’t have to clog up your memory with it.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Art Is Everywhere



  I've always defined art as – stuff I can’t do except by mistake.  At different times in my life I've been raking leaves, eating mash potatoes, applying soy sauce to my brown rice and suddenly – there it is.
  I appreciate those who set out to do art intentionally.  Of course I may accept some things as art that others may not.
  Such as:

Object Art
If you didn't scowl, vehicle on the left, you wouldn't be cut out of the shot
Oh my aching dogs
And you wonder why your teenage boy looks down all the time
I'd take him on - but he'd rip my hoodie
Then there's animal art - sometimes done to the animals
She say's it's a rabbit
And sometimes done by the animals
hood ornament
Then there's performance art - moments frozen in time
Gene Wilder
Non Wisconsin/Packer fans
Pope John Paul 2
Here's a few that mess with my mind.
Apartments are small in the city
Watch your step
Civic minded chalk drawing alien

Here's a time lapse video of a guy that looks too young to remember what he's drawing.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Bad Signs, Ads and Labels

 Lynn V. R. and Joe T. are two friends from High School – which means they are very old people. They are also (or were before I called them old,) Facebook friends. They share (meaning they each have,) and share (meaning they offer it to others,) an appreciation for bad signs.
Maybe I’m a little sensitive to this subject having so many written words out there that can be taken the wrong way. (My proofreader assures me that the funniest bit in Trouble in Taos was something I didn’t intend to say.)

Still – they have sent me (as have a few others,) so many pictures of bad signs, ads and labels that I figured it was time to share their brand of humor with the many fives of you who read this blog.
Part One - Wait...
That does say flickering - right?
Nothing wrong here - till you count the arms
So I just go see... hey?
Good safety tip - thanks
Sure it does.
Part Two - Yuck
From Florida?
And for dessert...
Part Three - expression
How about Sancho?
Where's the petition?  I'll sign.
Part Four - worth repeating.  These images have been on JPS before.
Great ad
Truth in Advertising!

When I was a kid - this ad freaked me out.  I never grew out of it.